Advice

I have been given a mountain of advice lately, when you have boy drama people are ready with a kind or sometimes harsh word. I am guilty of being a first in line to give my friends life advice.

Most of the feed back has been on the lines of:

“Let him go”

“Kick him to the curb”

“Move on

“You deserve better”

This is making the assumption that this is a nice black and white situation, but all I feel is grey.

 

Words of attempted comfort include:

“I want to say there are plenty more fish in the sea, but most of them are dicks too”

“Boys are terrible they always think they can do better” (He can probably do better, but generally only my inner voice says that)

“Yeah you’re bigger, but there are plenty of guys who are into that….”

“I mean what did you expect from a 21 year old party boy?”

A bit nicer yet still not sure how helpful:

“His loss, he doesn’t know what he is missing”

“He likes you this much ——– But there is someone out there who will like you this much ————————————————————————- so don’t settle because you’re afraid”

“If you let him get away with this he will keep treating you badly because now he thinks it’s ok”

I would probably give the same advise:

“Cut it off now, heal and get back out there and move on”

“Have some self respect gurl!”

“No one is worth feeling like this”

“NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER”

“You are beautiful and deserve the whole world”

Then some songs, it’s like every song is about my situation:

“And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him” – Dua Lipa (This came on in the taxi we were both in the other morning, It was hard not to laugh at the blatant irony)

Basically every song from Marina and the Diamonds speaks to me eg.

“Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
‘Cause really, I adore you, and I can’t leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong
Come on, baby, let’s just, get drunk, forget we don’t get on”

“You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake
You’re a coward ’til the end
I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit
No, I’m not the type that you like
Why don’t we just pretend?”

“You only ever touch me 
In the dark
Only if we’re drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening could you give yourself to me”

One of my friends who knows all the in’s and out of this ‘relationship’ laid out my options in her opinion:

  1. Accept that this is all he is capable of, that he will continue to be selfish. Nothing will change for your foreseeable relationship.
  2. You can dump him on his ass and try to deal with the heartache.

The first option might make you feel safer but you’ll keep going round in frustrating circles. If you chose the second option the pain will pass and eventually you will feel that empowerment again but it will take time.  God she is wise, out of all the advise I have enlisted this is the realest and hardest to hear.

Where does this leave me? I just feel sad, and dark. I have tried distraction, talking to other boys, innocent flirting with work mates, it helps for a little while. But I still want him, I want him to want me. I like to think that maybe I can just pull myself back, maybe just fuck him from time to time and not live in hope that he will suddenly care about me. Maybe I can disconnect, normally it’s easy. I have slept with 13 people and only really liked 3 of them and he is at the top of that list. Maybe I just miss the sex? My friends used to say if I ever had really good sex I would become an addict. I read a definition of addiction the other day that was “Continuously doing something  for pleasure even though you know it’s going to hurt you” So maybe I am addicted, to feeling pretty, to being touched, to being kissed, to feeling desired, to being seen, even for a little while. Even though I know better now, he’ll be late, he’ll cancel, he’ll not reply, he will make me feel crazy, he’ll make me feel small, he’ll disregard me.

Fool me twice… Shame on me I guess.

 

 

Opera

For just over a week I worked on an Opera, I was an Assistant Stage Manager for a whole week. It was one of the hardest and most rewarding weeks of my life. I was so grateful for the experience and for the reminder, this is what I want to do with my life. I want to work together with a team of creatives and make something worthwhile. The curtain goes up, there is nothing more thrilling then that curtain. Live or die the show goes on, so you best hope you’ve got the nerve. I met some incredible people, some truly talented people, some hilarious people and some god awful people, takes all sorts to make a world and an Opera apparently.

I felt amazing, like I was meant to be, being a stage manager feels like being a Discworld Witch, not always glamorous but you get the job done one way or another, you don’t do it for praise or recognition, you do the job that’s in front of you because it has to be done. If you are really good at it people wont even know you were there. But you leave a mark still, a word of encouragement here a sholder to cry on there, a creative solution to every problem.

I felt so at home. I made lists and swept, listened to grievances and rants, I was a smile in a stressful room, a joke in a tense moment, logic in a storm.

I am the most me when I’m in a theatre, i feel real.

I am good at my job and I love it. I am a Stage Manager and I will continue to work at it, I want my whole life to be in this theatre I want that feeling to stay. I want to belong and be needed and be helpful and be rational and listen and create and learn. This week was one of the best in my whole life, even when it was hard or frustrating I was still where I was meant to be. I fit. It’s about people, these were my people, kind, talented, funny and generous. It’s about telling a story well, telling an important story, using this platform to share.

I was so consumed in this week, I let everything else go… Jobs, money, stress, boys or a boy. I was only for the Opera and the Opera was for me, no time for other drama. Now it’s over a lot of it is caving back into me, which hurts, I wasn’t healed just distracted. I am still sad, deeply low.  But I know now, I know that my dream is something that I am good at, something I can achieve, this ball is rolling and I wont miss my chance. Boys may come and go, (probably just go) but I have to keep trying to do the work and try to stay open to the possibilities. I can’t let this drown me, I am a fighter and I am strong. I will love and be loved, even if that is just by my beautiful friends. I will hope and strive and live big, always. I am so grateful, I know my path… I just need to learn how to walk it.

Fading

He left his marks
I revel in them
I can still feel him
A dull ache he’s here
A slight twinge I’m in his arms
A wince of pain I’m his
A bruise a moment a bite
My body
My heart
He left his mark

It’s fading

 

We all have a story

It’s been hard of late, we have not been seeing each other much. No ones fault just different types of work for us both. 2 weeks here, 3 weeks there. We are not brilliant at communicating when away, I often feel like it’s out of sight out of mind. Or worse making plans that we both know are not gonna happen, but it’s fun to dream I guess. It’s hard enough to plan a basic date, or just get him to my house for sex, let alone a camping trip. I would love to believe it all, buy into his story, I’m sure he likes the idea, but follow through is generally too hard.

I’m sure we have different stories of this week.

Here’s Mine:

He finally asked me over, his family was away so we would have the house to ourselves. I was so excited, mainly because it’d been 3 weeks since I’d seen him. We had all this weirdness last week that I wanted to sort it. I also planned to have the “dating other people” talk, check in about Ginger and if he is seeing other people, sexual health blah. I knew he would have to get up early so I had all these morning plans, mainly sex and breakfast, I had set my alarm.  I packed my little bag, and got a lot of sass from my work mates “oooohhhh a sleep over huh?”. I planned to come straight from work but he asked me to come a bit later, so he could ‘tidy’ (translation, get high and play video games). I killed time, get a bit lost and ended up on his door. It was lovely, easy, low key, and sweet. We had dinner watched TV. Then we fucked. He fell asleep right after, taking away my favourite part of sex, the pillow talk. I knew he was tired, but it was 9:30 so I wasn’t, I pottered a bit, tidied a little, just played on my phone, fixed my face. His phone rang at 10:40, I knew he was expecting it so I woke him to answer it. I heard the caller ask “Do you have a bird there” and he replied with a cheeky “Maybe“, that felt nice… He got up and went straight down stairs not really acknowledging me at all. Once this stranger left he returned but was somewhat short with me. He tried to wake himself up, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know I didn’t mind if he slept. He didn’t like the idea of me in his house while he slept apparently, and here’s me thinking we were way beyond that. Maybe I shouldn’t of tidied, maybe I shouldn’t asked for the wifi password, maybe I could have just said I would sleep… Maybe. He then cut me by saying “Maybe you would sleep better in your own bed?” I tried to defuse the situation by jokingly saying “Are you kicking me out?”  He added that if I stayed he would sleep badly and be grumpy in the morning,  I mentioned that he seemed pretty grumpy already… I then pleaded, I’m not proud of this but I didn’t know what else to do, I asked him not to do this, not make a big deal, just go to sleep. “I can get you money for a taxi” That’s the moment I snapped. I am not a whore, who you sleep with then pay to leave. I will not stay somewhere that I am not wanted. I told him not to bother, and I ran downstairs and burst into tears. I have never felt so low, this moment solidified all my insecurities my fears were all founded. If my life was a movie he would have heard me cry, realised what he’d done and come downstairs, he would have held me and apologised saying he didn’t want to hurt me he was just not thinking straight he was still half asleep. Sadly my life is not a movie. He let me go out into a unknown town, late at night, upset and alone, oh wait he didn’t let me go, he made me go. Right at that moment my friend texted me checking in, I called her and cried and just spoke to her so I wasn’t all alone in the darkness. I missed all the last buses and walked for a long time, I couldn’t get my internet to find me a taxi. There was no sign of anyone, I had walked into my own personal nightmare, rejected in a seemingly abandoned small town too far from home.I finally found a ride. I got home, late, exhausted from walking and crying. My housemate came to check on me, she knew straight away that something must of gone wrong for me to be home. I just sobbed in her arms. I was so distraught from the evening, that’s when the second wave hit me, this might be the actual end, the final moments of ‘us’. She said I’d probably forgive him the next day when he would probably call and apologise and make more promises to make it up to me. I couldn’t sleep, I was too upset I just tossed and turned till the wee hours.

 

Here is his story as I can only assume:

Ahh is she coming tonight? I just want to sit in my house and enjoy some alone time, meaning getting high and playing games. Maybe I can deter her by pushing back the time and reminding her we can’t have a big night. Damn she still seems to be coming, beer will help I’ll get her to bring that. I guess it’s not too bad when she is here. I’ll order some nice food. Bit of hot an heavy all good so far. Sex sure does make me sleepy. Ahh why is my phone ringing, why is she looking at me. What has she been doing while I’ve been asleep, why does she want my wifi password, does she think she’s moving in? This is too much, I wont be able to sleep with her like this. I need to sleep, I can’t handle this drama, is she still talking?  She needs to go, I have the right to sleep in my own bed, god she is overeating. I offered to pay for a taxi, I’m did the right thing for sure. She is just storming away now, drama queen. Can I hear her crying? Too hard. ASLEEP. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Everyone has there own narrative, he thinks he was the good guy because he offered to pay for a taxi, not thinking that maybe the good guy thing was to suck it up and go to sleep next to me. To avoid me feeling used and unwanted and possible putting me in danger late at night. His story is also much shorter because he was asleep for most of it, I had to kill time, while he napped, then a huge journey home, while he was fast asleep.

Both these stories are true, for the given value of truth.

 

 

 

Drunk Hearts speak Sober minds

I drunk messaged him.

He told me today that Drunk hearts speak Sober minds which is beautifully accurate.

We had a bit of the talk, about my insecurities and feeling on different pages. Well I said some of it, I am extremely hungover and felt like a raw piece of meat being tenderized, or another analogy that is gross and vulnerable.

“In my eyes we are two balloons tied together gently bobbing along on a summers breeze where will it go who cares let’s just enjoy the ride”

Maybe I should be happy that at least we are tied together, not just balloons who are just near each other.

He was nice to me today, and he seemed to care that I was distressed. But I still apologised for saying what I felt, something to work on there.

Maybe I should try to just be a happy bobbing balloon for a bit… It might even be better, If I’m honest with myself I need to focus on the dream. I need to put career and creating  first and boys second or even third. If I’m more honest, I’d like to share all that with someone…

 

Let go…

I saw Ginger today, and it was pretty nice. I told him I was seeing YR non exclusively just to keep everything transparent. He then told me he was married. Separated for some time and they live apart. He was surprised at my reaction…. He told me he was separated and I ‘awwed’ and hugged him tight. The whole thing just made me sad. I felt bad for him and this whole situation. On a selfish level it was a helpful revelation, this was him letting me know he is not that guy.  I have been doing my normal, “Where will holiday?” “I guess I’ll move into to his place, that would make the most sense”. I am grateful for some reality and letting it all set in.

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised by the whole men situation, and the idea of relationships in general. I would like to go away with someone, tell someone about my day, share adventures with someone, be with someone… I guess I will just have to relearn how to do all those things alone, or with friends. Before I came here I barley had these wants or needs. But now in my new and shiny life or maybe it was turning 25 I now want more from people, more from life. But maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should go back to not needing anything external to myself. Stop wanting something that seems so unattainable.

I feel like this has just been a crazy stage in my life, I might be ready to let it all go. I need to focus on my work, my creativity, my friends, my adventures.

Pillars of Happiness

I feel like I have settled into myself recently, not completely of course but I generally feel good. When I chat to my oldest friend we sometimes go through the pillars of happiness to make sure we cover all the crucial life parts. So lets update here:

Work – My main job is pretty good, except for all the diet chat. 2nd job is fine, I’m much more confident these days which is nice. I fit better there now, it just took 6 months. I am working on an Opera at the end of the month, a whole 10 days where I get to work in the theatre, I can’t wait.

Health – I think I’m getting my housemates cold, I worry about my knees, I am much more active then I have been for maybe ever. I’m also thinking of joining a gym but just their classes section.

Family – Long distance love is tough but mostly working, Mum and I are really good. I really have to try and speak to the kids and My Aunties….

Friends – My new friends are now becoming proper friends, which is exciting. Mostly from my 2nd job. As far as home friends go, I have been chatting to some… it’s so hit and miss. Timing is hard.

Home – Love my housemates, hate when they fight. My anti conflict nature makes me a natural mediator, but I have a love/hate relationship with being caught in the middle. One of them basically asked me to move just with her, I don’t want that. We are a good balance the 3 of us, I don’t think I would want to live with just one person, even my bestest friend from home. I hopefully it was just in that moment and everything can just stay safe a solid for a little longer…

Relationships – I am seeing 2 guys. YR I have been seeing for 3 months now, It’s brilliant when he is here, as soon as he leaves I suddenly don’t know where we stand and keep considering that he doesn’t really like me… New guy is fresh and exciting, and seems to want to chat when he’s not here, which I love. He doesn’t make me feel needy or weird. I’m eager and nervous to see where that goes. I’m not ready to let go of YR yet however…

I hope you use the pillars of happiness when you’re catching up with people you care about, especially if you have limited time xx