“THERE IS NO JUSTICE” said Death “JUST ME”

You need to come home early, you need to come home now…”

I knew something was wrong as soon as I heard her shaky voice, but these words took a moment to sink in. I denied the possibility of a swift return like I thought that would change the dark reality. “It’s probably crazy expensive Mum, I can’t just change flights. It’s only a week until I get there…” I was just hoping she realised that it’s plenty of time and she shouldn’t even have worried me… Instead she just left me with a harrowing plea “Try, please”. I get the flight quotes then called my Grandmother, my Northern star, I hoped she will balance, I hope she’ll tell me it’s not so bad that Mum was overreacting. “If that’s the earliest you can do… I can’t guarantee she’ll be alive” Every bit of me shattered. No, that wasn’t what she was meant to say. I howled, I hit out around me which was mostly pillows. I felt so helpless, so far away, a world away. The next day as I yell at my travel agents to get me an even earlier flight, Mum called… I assumed it was to get a travel update, it wasn’t. She can barley say the words through her tears, as soon as I hear her cry I’m sobbing too. No, no it can’t happen like this, I was meant to make it in time. I was meant to make it at the last second and save the day. There wasn’t enough time. Mum passes around the phone so I can hear the grief of my whole family. Maybe to share it so I didn’t feel so far away. I felt that every person I spoke to just made it more real, there was no denying all these tears. Mum made me speak to my Uncle, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want him to have to console me, not when I should be there supporting him and his kids. I told him that I was sorry that I wasn’t there, I couldn’t breath properly through my wrenching sobs. “Shhhh, slow down, slow down. There is nothing you could have done.” I spent the rest of the day trying to focus on work and making internal lists of everything I had to do before I flew the next day. “Look at it this way, the worst has already happened, you are not racing home hopping you’ll make it on time. You just need to do what you can and you’ll get there when you do.” Hopeless, helpless, sorrow and guilt all on rotation.

Then I did something I am so glad I pushed myself to do. I let him in. I am so used to dealing with all my problems myself or with close family and friends. Then I thought if our roles were reversed I’d want to know. He was perfect. A perfect distraction, a perfect listener, consoling and sharing. He spoke of his young loss and his experiences. He told me off when I went into a full guilt spiral on the morning of the flight. I just moved overseas, 25 hours away from home. To what? Follow my dreams? I should have been helping their household, I should have been there for my cousins for my Uncle. I should of seen her in the last two years, before it was too late. He didn’t let me keep that narrative, the ‘What if’s’ the ‘I should of’. He just held me. He spent a lot of the day stroking my hair and keeping me calm. I didn’t need him, I have worked hard not to need anyone. He indulged me in my selfish and personal aspects of my grief. I spent a day that was just about me and my tears and oh so many of my feelings. He let me have stillness, calm before the inevitable storm. Regardless of whatever this does or does not become I will always be grateful for him, for this time.

The last time I spoke to my her: I was chatting to Mum about that fact that I am not a ‘Free Spirit’ that in fact I thought I was a ‘Planned spirit’ she popped her head into frame and said “Don’t worry Jas, I’m a planned spirit too!”  A week after she died I found the last thing she said to me, it was a birthday message on Skype sent the day before she went into hospital “Happy birthday, lovely niece! We all miss you and can’t wait to see you xx” I never saw this message so didn’t reply. I have never known grief like this, the injustice heightened it all. She was 44, a mother of two young kids, a wife of my brilliant Uncle, a powerhouse to be reckoned with, a fighter, a teacher, one of mine.  

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“Whats your damage, Heather”

I am wondering if I was doomed from the start. Not for life but maybe for love. When your relationship models include a mother who’s longest relationship during your childhood was maybe a year, then she mostly just had casual and sexual based relationships because she is a sexual being. The other model you have is a father who has now been married 5 times with 2 other engagements. One wife #4 he prioritized over you so you didn’t see him for 7 years. A Grandmother who you feel you have the most in common with, her husband left her in the middle of the night. Leaving their 4 kids and a note. She thought they were happy and was completely shocked but his affair and departure. When your childhood friends are mostly from broken families too, mum had a whole single parent pose. So the idea of love and marriage was even more fantasy based then normal kids, it was proper Sci Fi shit. Though I always thought I would figure it out, find someone who would really see me and love what he saw. I hoped I would like him too, but that’s only a bonus. I used to say I would only have a kid with someone who I knew would love it more then the world, someone who wouldn’t leave them. But I’m sure my Mother and Grandmother and all these other women tried their best in that department. So once I figured out you can never be sure I think a part of me gave up on men in general, and the ideal.

I may be dating someone, it’s new and I am in a constant balance of fear and excitement. I am preparing myself for the end at any given moment whilst planning our first holiday. Either way I am probably ahead of myself. I really struggling with the ‘letting it be what it is‘ sentiment, what is it? “Just have fun with it” is other advise I have received, everyone is trying to help, soothe my freak out. My very obvious and mundane abandonment issues are crippling at times. I really like this guy, we have a lot in common, from film to comedy to cabaret. He might be the only person who smiles more then me. He has a lovely smile, he uses his whole face. He is a really fun person to be with and I feel we could talk forever. I am still quite nervous around him and yet I find his presence really calming.  No one ever showed me what this was meant to look like, I don’t know if I am doing it right. It wasn’t until last year that I realised I even wanted a boyfriend, I had shut down any expectation regarding that part of my life. YR was good for something, he helped me understand what I wanted and what I really didn’t want.  I also may be getting better at faking that I know what I am doing. I talk a real big game but sometimes I am 11 years old and I can’t get my Dad to see me or love me, so how am I meant to convince anyone else?

I think I am going to make myself have the talk and see where that leaves me, this uncertainty is terrifying. Maybe it’s all done already and I’m the last to know, I was the last to know it started. I am never sure, I don’t know what sure in a relationship looks like. I don’t feel safe, but I feel a lot. She even said the words to me “I’m so sorry I never demonstrated a healthy relation with men for you, I think I messed it up” But she didn’t know any better, I am 3rd generation of messed up.

 

 

If I’d know I was gonna get lucky I probably wouldn’t have eaten so much pizza…

Probably… I mean I love pizza.

My friend predicted what was going to happen on Wednesday night, how she knew before I did I’ll never know. Pretty hilarious. He will now be called the Brazilian. I thought I was going round to his house for an innocent movie night where we watched The Room then The Disaster Artist. Brilliant double feature that I would recommend 😛 We all laughed about how dumb Mark was “The candles, the music, the sexy dress. I mean, what’s going on here?” That night I ended up being Mark… He invited me to stay, gave me wine and too much pizza, listened to me yammer, but it wasn’t until we hugged goodnight did he kiss me on the neck and I held him tight wondering what could be going on? “Oh hi MARK!” Maybe there were signs but I am convinced they were hiding in his Latin American nature, he is always so flirty and charming to everyone, how’s a girl meant to know. Also I didn’t think I was his type, maybe I’m not… Maybe just right time and place. Because of my own issues and insecurities I really struggle to know if someone likes me. Either tell me or make the first move because I a clueless bitch just hoping for the best. I saw him again a couple days after at a dinner party I was hosting. On the day I tried and failed at a slightly suggestive message which fell on deaf ears. I was a little concerned about how it would go, but he was completely normal and surprisingly so was I. The only time I freaked out was over the roast and not him at all. It was a brilliant night all round, he kept complimenting all my food but later he complimented a lot more. He is one of my housemates friends so when he went to bed he said “You can definitely stay over, I’m off to bed but Jasmine will sort you out” boy did I.

Maybe this is a gross generalisation but if you haven’t been with a Latin American, go out and change your life!! My god… An Easter uprising was had, again and again. It’s all the little touches the tender and rough moments the surprises and laughter. Making him read to me while I cooked breakfast. Just talking to him about life about art, about film and passion and everything. I could talk to him all day and be touched by him all day… I wonder how I can achieve these goals. For someone who is known for being straight down the line I am completely unaware of what he wants, or if he likes me. I will try to be chill and breezy for as long as possible though, I don’t want to ruin our friendship (I know that’s what people say, but he truly is an incredible man). I don’t really have time to freak out about it 2 jobs, 3 freelance projects I am up to my eyeballs, which is also why I’m so lucky that he is a known character and we don’t have to do the getting to know you dates or start at the beginning. My housemate seems pretty chill about it, which I’m glad about, he knows us both pretty well and approves. Which is good because he vetoed the last guy I had an interest in “He is not good enough for you and he’s a bit of a weirdo, it’s a no from me” I might be paraphrasing. I’m struggling tonight I can’t watch anything with romantic scenes because only this morning they were mine. I don’t know what happens next… But I can’t wait.

 

5 years ago

My TimeHop reminded me of something that started 5 years ago….

Now earlier then this I had lost my virginity in a bathroom with a work colleague and we never spoke about it again. I didn’t feel happy or safe which is probably why I waiting a few years before I did anything else.

I was at one of my old high school friends party up in the Hills. Half the party was full of old friends (but not close ones) then unknowns then some in the middle, they didn’t go to school with us but we knew them. J was one of them, I think we had met twice. He had thrown up on my shoes once when I was 18 at a party. I remember I was helping look after him because I was really into his friend back then. So it was nice to see a fairly familiar face, we talked a lot and danced a bunch until everyone else went to bed. He kissed me and it was wonderful. I knew better, he had a girlfriend… But then he kissed me again. I resisted, a little, the tiniest amount. Now it’s not because I am a horrible person, though maybe I am, but I couldn’t see past an attractive interesting person wanting to kiss me? How could I push back on such a fantasy. It was finally happening, someone had really seen me, and for that moment I was shinning, flying.

We broke the couch that night.

It was a perfect night, I remember so many of the details; I went to the kitchen topless to get some water and he came up behind me and grabbed me. I remember the soft yet strong way he held me. It was all so new and yet I felt safe in his arms. But it was fleeting. Too soon did the sun shine in our eyes and harsh reality came knocking. He left, kissing me fiercely goodbye.

Now a normal story would end here, cute one night stand for the fat girl who was scared of sex. She is all liberated now, yada yada yada. Unfortunately one of the other girls gets a message that he has told his girlfriend as soon as he got home and now to top it off he and his girlfriend were going to pop back to the house for the Skull Vodka he left. I remember these details also a little too well… I was frantically getting ready to try and leave before they arrived, getting me and my friend dressed. Rushing is so hard when you are hungover and didn’t sleep much because of your incredible night. I’m not sure if there has been a quicker reckoning. We are about to leave when there is a knock on the door, all I can do is hope that she is waiting in the car. However she is there, all blonde and pretty, should I be jealous of the girl who’s boyfriend I just slept with? I look straight at his scared eyes then look away. There is still a group of us, and it seems that the girlfriend knows he has slept with someone here but not who. So I don’t really even get the stink eye, one of my friends does, I guess it doesn’t make sense that he would sleep with the fat girl. We are all leaving and J is hugging everyone, he has to hug me because otherwise it would have looked more suspicious. He touches me so lightly, and for a fleeting moment I think of how tight and intensely he had held me in that exact spot just hours earlier.  I will never understand why he did this, why he brought his girlfriend to the house to the person he cheating with. It was odd and cruel. It really put a damper on an otherwise incredible night. But maybe I am not allowed to feel good about a night with an unavailable selfish boy.

He was a recurring character for a little while then with some cameo’s down the line… But this was the night where it all changed 5 years ago.

 

When everything is life and death
You may feel like there’s nothing left
Instead of love and trust and laughter
What you get is happy never after
But deep down all you want is love
The pure kind we all dream of
But we cannot escape the past
So you and I will never last

Homewrecker – Marina and the Diamonds

Hi low

I had one of the most amazing weekends! I worked at this festival and met a lot of incredible and talented people. I feel like I am on the right path to becoming a freelancer, because people seem to want to work with me. I have felt such elation, such power, such promise. I am so afraid of these feelings because I know how fleeting they can be, but for a moment it was glorious. I then crashed right back down to $0.32 in my back account because even when you have paid freelance work the time frames can still be off. I hate this desperate poor depression, I have been poor for so much of my life that I am quite thrifty, I can live on 1 bowl of spaghetti bolognese for 4 days what of it? I can reuse a tea bag and really quench all other urges. It can be hard but it’s called survival mode, I get better at accepting other peoples care, even if that just comes in the form of a drink… No room for pride when you’re dirt poor. I have also been feeling more alone lately, I have been meeting lots of people but no one to hold me no one to put up with my shit… Except maybe T but he is in a long term thing and maybe 20 years older then me? At least he hugs me right xxx I am worried about how desperate I have been feeling and or acting. But more then ever I feel this void that I think would be nicely filled with a partner (not an innuendo… probably) I have been on Tinder again and actual met someone on the weekend through this festival that I had matched with. I invited him to a mutual friends drinks tonight, I hope he comes and that I’m not a hot mess/mess. Only time will tell. Oh and I have been talking to this costume maker who might be able to make me a Star Trek plus size dress!! I mean I have slept with men for less 😛

 

Int Women’s Day fail!

The 8th of March is International Women’s day, a day where we share our love of incredible women in our lives, look at women in film and politics, some share our self love, Oprah unfortunately shares weight loss tips (way to be supportive). I am glad that Oprah is not perfect at it either because I sometimes find myself being a terrible feminist and perpetuating girl hate. I know we have to be a team, fighting within is not going to smash the patriarchy. And yet on the 8th of March I found myself seething at this girl at work really playing the helpless card. Our supervisor lapped it all up, which also made me mad at him. “Let me save you little girl, I will be your big strong man!” BLAH!!! I am annoyed that she does it, I am disappointed that he loves it and then part of me is saddened that capability will never get you as far as being feeble. I am not a damsel, I do not NEED anyone to save me… I still would like a man to be around, maybe we could do the saving together (like Buffy and Angel)? I don’t want to be angry at weaklings, even if they are putting it on for some guy. I want to tell them they don’t have to be small and incapable anymore, its 2018 and we are ready to take on this world without any help!! That same night I had to so some literal heavy lifting and it was really hard. I finally climbed all my stairs and knocked on my door because my keys were buried somewhere, I knocked again “It’s just me!”. I was so frustrated that I nearly started crying, why can’t they get of there butt’s and open the damn door, I would do it for them! I finally find my keys any get into the house to find both my housemates are out, how dare they be out when I needed them or when I wanted to be mad at them. My male housemate is back first, and I tell him that I was ‘Nearly’ upset with them for not opening the door after I had to carry so much heaviness up the stairs. He asks why I didn’t call him and ask for help… was that an option? Who knew. I tell him that I’d rather be independent and complain then ever ask for help!

Hmmm so maybe this women’s day should be about acceptance, she CAN be ditsy but she shouldn’t have to be ditsy to get attention in the workplace. I can probably let someone help me sometimes and that wouldn’t make me weak… I can’t say that I’ll be any better at that. Strength doesn’t always have to be so lonely… I hope. 

What if he didn’t have a girlfriend

I wonder how different our friendship/relationship would be if he didn’t have a girlfriend. Would I be more nervous around him, would I freak out before seeing him. From the second time I met him I liked him, a little crush but it’s grown. I often have a thing for unattainable men which I used to think was a self preservation tactic, they can’t like me because they are unavailable, it’s not because of me.  I now think it’s also safer and easier, I don’t have to ever make any moves or be pretty around him because he has a girlfriend. I sometimes wonder if it would have been different, If I would have been more overtly flirty or tried to see him more. If I would wear low cut dresses and stress over every text I sent. Maybe I would have tried too hard and scared him away. Maybe I would have been too aloof and he didn’t even know I had any feelings for him. Maybe I don’t actually know how to kiss someone like him, someone I could just talk to and listen to for hours on end, kissing might get in the way. I don’t really know how I would do it, if things were different… He often doesn’t seem like a very sexual/physical person. I don’t think I have ever seen him kiss his girlfriend. As much as I am holding a torch for him I can’t really imagine what it would be like being with him. Maybe it’s better this way, we can talk and laugh and share and be really good friends. I don’t think we would have been friends if he was single, because if he didn’t like me I would be pinning about every other girl and if he did like me back… well I am not set up for that really. He is way to good for me, he’s golden.