The 8th of March is International Women’s day, a day where we share our love of incredible women in our lives, look at women in film and politics, some share our self love, Oprah unfortunately shares weight loss tips (way to be supportive). I am glad that Oprah is not perfect at it either because I sometimes find myself being a terrible feminist and perpetuating girl hate. I know we have to be a team, fighting within is not going to smash the patriarchy. And yet on the 8th of March I found myself seething at this girl at work really playing the helpless card. Our supervisor lapped it all up, which also made me mad at him. “Let me save you little girl, I will be your big strong man!” BLAH!!! I am annoyed that she does it, I am disappointed that he loves it and then part of me is saddened that capability will never get you as far as being feeble. I am not a damsel, I do not NEED anyone to save me… I still would like a man to be around, maybe we could do the saving together (like Buffy and Angel)? I don’t want to be angry at weaklings, even if they are putting it on for some guy. I want to tell them they don’t have to be small and incapable anymore, its 2018 and we are ready to take on this world without any help!! That same night I had to so some literal heavy lifting and it was really hard. I finally climbed all my stairs and knocked on my door because my keys were buried somewhere, I knocked again “It’s just me!”. I was so frustrated that I nearly started crying, why can’t they get of there butt’s and open the damn door, I would do it for them! I finally find my keys any get into the house to find both my housemates are out, how dare they be out when I needed them or when I wanted to be mad at them. My male housemate is back first, and I tell him that I was ‘Nearly’ upset with them for not opening the door after I had to carry so much heaviness up the stairs. He asks why I didn’t call him and ask for help… was that an option? Who knew. I tell him that I’d rather be independent and complain then ever ask for help!
Hmmm so maybe this women’s day should be about acceptance, she CAN be ditsy but she shouldn’t have to be ditsy to get attention in the workplace. I can probably let someone help me sometimes and that wouldn’t make me weak… I can’t say that I’ll be any better at that. Strength doesn’t always have to be so lonely… I hope.
I wonder how different our friendship/relationship would be if he didn’t have a girlfriend. Would I be more nervous around him, would I freak out before seeing him. From the second time I met him I liked him, a little crush but it’s grown. I often have a thing for unattainable men which I used to think was a self preservation tactic, they can’t like me because they are unavailable, it’s not because of me. I now think it’s also safer and easier, I don’t have to ever make any moves or be pretty around him because he has a girlfriend. I sometimes wonder if it would have been different, If I would have been more overtly flirty or tried to see him more. If I would wear low cut dresses and stress over every text I sent. Maybe I would have tried too hard and scared him away. Maybe I would have been too aloof and he didn’t even know I had any feelings for him. Maybe I don’t actually know how to kiss someone like him, someone I could just talk to and listen to for hours on end, kissing might get in the way. I don’t really know how I would do it, if things were different… He often doesn’t seem like a very sexual/physical person. I don’t think I have ever seen him kiss his girlfriend. As much as I am holding a torch for him I can’t really imagine what it would be like being with him. Maybe it’s better this way, we can talk and laugh and share and be really good friends. I don’t think we would have been friends if he was single, because if he didn’t like me I would be pinning about every other girl and if he did like me back… well I am not set up for that really. He is way to good for me, he’s golden.
I am so angry today, so much rage, all the fire. Some guy screwed over an event I am managing because he can’t see past his own face. I want to yell and scream and break some things, I want to kick and punch and scratch. I am so mad at his selfishness and the fact he has so much power in the situation. I am mad at the injustices of the moment, at my lack of control. I am so mad I want to cry. I can sometimes find anger a helpful tool but other times the fury is all I am. My mother is an angry person, she is quick to anger, it’s her first response to a negative situation, but her short fuse means it’s all over as quick as it started. I always say that I have a long fuse, it takes a lot to make me made but I keep it, sometimes I feel like I am like the Hulk and my real secret is that I am angry all the time. Angry at people, friends and strangers alike, angry at the world we live in, angry at myself for not trying hard enough, for being too much, for being too loud for being too fat, for caring about being too fat. ANGRY! I want to harness the rage, put it to use but often I can’t find a home for it and I use it against myself unintentionally. Or it just sits and rots and becomes even scarier… It becomes hate and then that classic darkside…
I want to own this anger, not the other way round. Maybe I just want to feel in control, maybe I shouldn’t maybe I should go total phoenix and explode with all the fire and brimstone I can muster. I don’t know If I could let myself go like that, though sometimes I wonder what I could burn away with such rage.
I just finished watching GIRLS, I really hate endings; in TV shows, books, movie series, or relationships. I struggle with letting go to something or someone that I love. GIRLS is a brilliant show for women of my generation, yes I know they somehow can afford to live in Brooklyn and its also a story about privilege yada yada yada! I think a lot of the relationships are very true, the terrible sex, trying to impress that one friend so they stick around, that whole dynamic of a friend group or a group of women. These stories really rang true for me. This story ends with a single mother, which is the way I see my life going I guess… When you’ve been raised by one you know that men cannot be trusted and will probably just leave anyway so maybe it makes sense to plan it without them. Part of me really believes that I can never be loved by a man, not really, liked sure, I’m funny and have qualities but not loved… Sometimes I doubt that most men can even love, wholly and fully love. I had a single mother but I still saw my dad, half a week until I was 3, then every weekend until school, then every second weekend, then every few months, then not for 7 years, you know normal parent stuff…. So maybe it’s those pedestrian Daddy issues raising their ugly heads again, to remind me that I am fundamentally unlovable. But maybe I won’t be a single mother, is it better or worse to be a lonely old spinster with a lot of pets? I am an only child I wont have siblings to look out for me, just 4 much younger cousins who will probably look after me and help me out but I don’t want that, I meant to help them, they are the babies. I think this show really hits home so I may now be having crisis of self, it doesn’t help that I am really sick and it’s hard to breath and all the coughing hurts my chest. I have all these Tinder messages to reply to but no energy on incline to do so, I am not even helping my case of dying alone, I just feel like such a lost cause. I Facebook stalked the girl that YR is now seeing, she is literally prettier, thinner and younger then me, she is gorgeous and seems really nice. Why can’t she be a terrible troll person, huh? Why the hell not?! I know it shouldn’t bother me, but of course it does, YR was the closest I have ever felt, and the saddest part about it is I don’t think he even remembers half of it. I remember all of it because I’m a freak who just wants to love and be loved. It wasn’t right, I know that, but It was the closest the right I have found so far and I am fucking 25 years old!!!!!
So maybe don’t watch 2 seasons of an emotionally intense show in a day when you are ill and definitely don’t finish anything if you are in a weak state….
One of my oldest friends came for a little visit over Hogmanay (NYE). I have been so excited to see a home face, someone who is family to me. We have known each other for 21 years, our Mums are best friends and her Aunt is marrying me Uncle, It’s fun. She had a big trip, Iceland then London then here with me, then Amsterdam and Paris, big trip. I really did want to see her, and mostly we had a great time. I forgot how hard it would be, we have grown into very different people, her own Mum once said that she has book smarts but I have street and life smarts (I don’t think it was meant to be a compliment or a dig, just a fact). She is a nurse now and her partner is a civil engineer (whatever that means) they bought their flat and have been together 5 years. He is super normal, which is probably a reaction to our upbringing on her part. He is fine, he’s nice… which as everyone know’s means bland and harmless. I get frustrated that she has bought into the vanilla lifestyle, but maybe it makes her happy. I really enjoyed seeing her but it was odd, I feel like I have been living this little adventure life overseas sometimes only making it by the skin of my teeth. Then she is saying how crazy it is that they have burned through $3000.00 in 10 days, I cannot fit that wealth in my head, I guess vanilla works for some people. We have always had a kind of sibling rivalry and yet I am the older one so I always tried to look out for her, but she is the unpredictable one. Also I would do anything for her but I have no idea about her sometimes… The weirdest thing is that our relationship often reflects our mothers, Mum and I try and love as hard as we can and they may be there, or cancel or turn up but not really. Sometimes they think they are better then us, maybe they are. I don’t think money means you better but I am weirdly put off/ jealous of their mediocre middle class life. We didn’t really have any time that was just her and I so maybe I was just jealous of him, but she has done so well making her world revolve around him so it’s normalized now. I am way to close to this but I don’t think I want that, I would still want alone time with the people I care about, I want a partner not an extra limb. Hmmmmm I don’t know, she is also family so got under my skin a few times, which is to be expected. It was weird her here, in my new space, complaining about the cold and shouting “Aussie, aussie, aussie” which is a pet peeve of mine, I really find Australians annoying. He main interest was finding places that served Mulled wine, it is Christmas season in Scotland so there was a good few places. I wanted to share more but it didn’t seem the right time, we didn’t really have any big talks (my favourite size of chat) Maybe next time. A home face reminded me that I am right where I am meant to be, mediocre white picket fence was never for me. Lets explore and see what’s out there! 2018 baby, I want to date maybe try more of a boyfriend situation, I want to create more, I want to be paid for my work more, I have already made plans to travel more 😀
I have felt such joy twice this week both times involving snow; the first was Christmas night, I was at my friends place who generously took me in for Christmas. We looked outside to find a White Christmas, one of my childhood dreams realised. I wanted to dance in the snow all night, I would of but my friends mum made a good point that I would be saturated. Still the joy I felt was a pure as the snow, I was childlike and full of glee. It was a hard Christmas this year so I was grateful for this white delight. This was my second Christmas away and really stung. It was hard knowing that most of my family was separated due to health, in-laws or just unwillingness to do things for others (young fun Uncle can’t stop being young and fun for a second to see his mother for Christmas) My Mum and Gran had a hard year, no one was in the house on Christmas morning which never happens…. I talked to their household as well as my Aunties and grown up cousins. I spoke to all 4 of my kid cousins as well, I had a full freak out as one of my boys voice has dropped since I last spoke to him, they grow up so fast. I never used to notice the need for people and comfort around Christmas. I have always been spoiled with a family full of love and never thought about anything else. Now that I am alone on the other side of the world from my family, I think I get it, I get why people are desperate for relationships/connection this time of year. It’s partly because it is mid winter here and people want to snuggle, but I think it’s about end of year reflection. I never really noticed how romantic Christmas is, mainly commercially but also I guess on a basic level it is bringing everyone you love in from the snow, and that starts with romance and ends with family. I felt quite lonely this year, it was that cold loneliness that leaves a pit in your stomach. I would like a boyfriend now please 😛
Second snow elation was today, I went on a ‘friend date’ with this guy, we were going to just walk through the snowy park but then we ended up sledging which was a dream I didn’t even know I had. It was exhilarating and just wonderful. He is an interesting guy, so smart and funny and we had such a lovely time… I am carrying such a torch for him which is problematic because his girlfriend is really nice. We laughed and joked and critiqued the other sledging then had such fun going down the hill ourselves. He is quite unique as a person, he is so easy to talk to, big talk and family talk and just basic snow talk. Why isn’t there someone like him who is available and you know is attracted to me?
I have been crushing hard, left, right and centre, I am actually feeling quite desperate. I just want someone to make me feel like YR did but actually like me and not be such a dick, is that so hard. I feel like I meet people and go “Well you’re a man, I now have a crush on you… please love me as I am a good huger and baker” It’s weird that this tactic is not yet working, maybe it just needs more time 😛
I am kind of looking online but I get so disenfranchised so quickly, I also don’t have the commitment to make conversation, you really have to meet people straight away. I don’t know, sometimes I just want to cry, other times it snows and I am the happiest person you’ll ever meet. My friend and I literally said we were high on the snow today (this is why I like him)
I need to pay of a big debt before March and I am started to get the fear. I was meant to pay some this month but Christmas and extra bills have made that impossible. I am really scared that I won’t be able to do it. So I’ve been looking into the potential Life Modelling and wondering if I could really do it, I don’t have any real training but I have done a bunch of modelling for photography’s, recently some naked ones… I found out that in this country you can sell your eggs but not if you are over the BMI (Bullshit meter for idiots, which has been proven has nothing to do with health). So then I look online for some more sketchy money options, still being a fat women makes the idea of sex work inherently niche, find people with that kink, which I don’t really like, I don’t want to be a kink. I worry that I might be too fat to really do any sex work, not that I am saying I want to, but I really don’t think I am anyone’s fantasy…Then there are legal and moral connotations involved. I find myself wondering if I could even do it, fully commit to it head high. It’s not that I am at all prudish or afraid of risky sex, I once hooked up with a stranger in a beer garden about 15 meters from a group of people #sluttyhumblebrag.
This fear of poverty is so scary, sometimes I feel helpless. I don’t have a financial net, I don’t have Mummy or Daddy to bail me out. Everything I have done is entirely independently and not by choice, I would have loved some help. Please help. Maybe a Sugar Daddy would solve all my problems, or enough money for this debt and a little savings. Hmmmmm maybe it will never be enough, what is enough money? I have literally just signed up for a Sugar Daddy page, which will mostly be a good laugh but maybe something? What would this mean for my new want for a boyfriend, I probably can’t do both. On that note I have started flirting with a newish guy from work, which has been fun. I find it so hard not to let my imagination go wild and plan our Christmas together, I mean we haven’t even kissed and I am not convinced that I even like him. I need something, otherwise I am not going to make it. I’m working extra shifts at my second job but I work really hard for 4 hours and come out of it with GB28.00 for my efforts, it’s not sustainable. My main job pays better but is capped at 16 hours a week so not much more I can do there. So maybe I just need a better second job? Or a third job?