Casual

02/03/17

I don’t do it for pleasure, I get more pleasure alone.

Is it intimacy? Closeness? Connection?

I like to flirt, flirting is fun. I also like pillow talk I find it can be so very real and soft which can be hard to find with men. I used to like the idea that someone liked me enough to want to sleep with me, but now I don’t think they have to like me at all, I am completely interchangeable.I feel so disconnected, I’m not really there, I get in, get base level approval, like I did a good job then I try to get to the pillow talk, careful to ask more questions then I answer (wouldn’t want them to have any more power over me, they have already seen me naked).

Why I am not satisfied? I don’t think casual is enough anymore. I want to be wanted, really wanted. I need to be touched by someone who can’t resist me, who wants to be near me and hear me and love me.

I know I have to find a way to be happy without anyone. That’s what I’ve always known, you can’t rely on anyone else, they will always let you down, you gotta be independent and self reliant… Ok but what if I don’t ‘need’ someone else, I can still want them. I worry that what I want is such a fantasy, that no mere mortal could live up to. If they’re that brilliant they probably won’t be attracted to me anyway.. You hear that, my fantasy man is too good for me, fuck that! I am worthy, I am. I think. I hope. Maybe there is no fire left anywhere, perhaps we all too desensitized to have a spark with any other human? Are we now to inward to see anyone else?

12/06/17

So much has changed in so little time… mostly for the better. I’m seeing a guy who has fire and makes me feel desired (for the most part).  He is a boy and not a fantasy, though physically he is my dream; tall, broad, strong, solid, big arms and hands. We have a lot of sex and a lot of pillow talk, and just muck around which is the best. I often challenge him to a battle of strength, which unsurprisingly he keeps winning.  I am so happy just being in his arms. I worry that I’m not good enough still, that is a constant. I’m not that forthcoming sexually, maybe I’m boring. I feel like we have this opportunity to try lots of things but I feel either like I have nothing to contribute or all my actually fantasies are not in my bed, ie I’d like to fuck in the park or somewhere risky… We have talked mild kink which I have no problem with, but again I don’t want to be in charge of any of it.

I feel that closeness, connected, intimate. So much that was missing with previous guys I now have in abundance.  I feel pretty comfortable with him… It’s all a bit scary.