I saw Ginger today, and it was pretty nice. I told him I was seeing YR non exclusively just to keep everything transparent. He then told me he was married. Separated for some time and they live apart. He was surprised at my reaction…. He told me he was separated and I ‘awwed’ and hugged him tight. The whole thing just made me sad. I felt bad for him and this whole situation. On a selfish level it was a helpful revelation, this was him letting me know he is not that guy. I have been doing my normal, “Where will holiday?” “I guess I’ll move into to his place, that would make the most sense”. I am grateful for some reality and letting it all set in.
I am feeling a bit disenfranchised by the whole men situation, and the idea of relationships in general. I would like to go away with someone, tell someone about my day, share adventures with someone, be with someone… I guess I will just have to relearn how to do all those things alone, or with friends. Before I came here I barley had these wants or needs. But now in my new and shiny life or maybe it was turning 25 I now want more from people, more from life. But maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should go back to not needing anything external to myself. Stop wanting something that seems so unattainable.
I feel like this has just been a crazy stage in my life, I might be ready to let it all go. I need to focus on my work, my creativity, my friends, my adventures.