It’s been hard of late, we have not been seeing each other much. No ones fault just different types of work for us both. 2 weeks here, 3 weeks there. We are not brilliant at communicating when away, I often feel like it’s out of sight out of mind. Or worse making plans that we both know are not gonna happen, but it’s fun to dream I guess. It’s hard enough to plan a basic date, or just get him to my house for sex, let alone a camping trip. I would love to believe it all, buy into his story, I’m sure he likes the idea, but follow through is generally too hard.
I’m sure we have different stories of this week.
He finally asked me over, his family was away so we would have the house to ourselves. I was so excited, mainly because it’d been 3 weeks since I’d seen him. We had all this weirdness last week that I wanted to sort it. I also planned to have the “dating other people” talk, check in about Ginger and if he is seeing other people, sexual health blah. I knew he would have to get up early so I had all these morning plans, mainly sex and breakfast, I had set my alarm. I packed my little bag, and got a lot of sass from my work mates “oooohhhh a sleep over huh?”. I planned to come straight from work but he asked me to come a bit later, so he could ‘tidy’ (translation, get high and play video games). I killed time, get a bit lost and ended up on his door. It was lovely, easy, low key, and sweet. We had dinner watched TV. Then we fucked. He fell asleep right after, taking away my favourite part of sex, the pillow talk. I knew he was tired, but it was 9:30 so I wasn’t, I pottered a bit, tidied a little, just played on my phone, fixed my face. His phone rang at 10:40, I knew he was expecting it so I woke him to answer it. I heard the caller ask “Do you have a bird there” and he replied with a cheeky “Maybe“, that felt nice… He got up and went straight down stairs not really acknowledging me at all. Once this stranger left he returned but was somewhat short with me. He tried to wake himself up, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know I didn’t mind if he slept. He didn’t like the idea of me in his house while he slept apparently, and here’s me thinking we were way beyond that. Maybe I shouldn’t of tidied, maybe I shouldn’t asked for the wifi password, maybe I could have just said I would sleep… Maybe. He then cut me by saying “Maybe you would sleep better in your own bed?” I tried to defuse the situation by jokingly saying “Are you kicking me out?” He added that if I stayed he would sleep badly and be grumpy in the morning, I mentioned that he seemed pretty grumpy already… I then pleaded, I’m not proud of this but I didn’t know what else to do, I asked him not to do this, not make a big deal, just go to sleep. “I can get you money for a taxi” That’s the moment I snapped. I am not a whore, who you sleep with then pay to leave. I will not stay somewhere that I am not wanted. I told him not to bother, and I ran downstairs and burst into tears. I have never felt so low, this moment solidified all my insecurities my fears were all founded. If my life was a movie he would have heard me cry, realised what he’d done and come downstairs, he would have held me and apologised saying he didn’t want to hurt me he was just not thinking straight he was still half asleep. Sadly my life is not a movie. He let me go out into a unknown town, late at night, upset and alone, oh wait he didn’t let me go, he made me go. Right at that moment my friend texted me checking in, I called her and cried and just spoke to her so I wasn’t all alone in the darkness. I missed all the last buses and walked for a long time, I couldn’t get my internet to find me a taxi. There was no sign of anyone, I had walked into my own personal nightmare, rejected in a seemingly abandoned small town too far from home.I finally found a ride. I got home, late, exhausted from walking and crying. My housemate came to check on me, she knew straight away that something must of gone wrong for me to be home. I just sobbed in her arms. I was so distraught from the evening, that’s when the second wave hit me, this might be the actual end, the final moments of ‘us’. She said I’d probably forgive him the next day when he would probably call and apologise and make more promises to make it up to me. I couldn’t sleep, I was too upset I just tossed and turned till the wee hours.
Here is his story as I can only assume:
Ahh is she coming tonight? I just want to sit in my house and enjoy some alone time, meaning getting high and playing games. Maybe I can deter her by pushing back the time and reminding her we can’t have a big night. Damn she still seems to be coming, beer will help I’ll get her to bring that. I guess it’s not too bad when she is here. I’ll order some nice food. Bit of hot an heavy all good so far. Sex sure does make me sleepy. Ahh why is my phone ringing, why is she looking at me. What has she been doing while I’ve been asleep, why does she want my wifi password, does she think she’s moving in? This is too much, I wont be able to sleep with her like this. I need to sleep, I can’t handle this drama, is she still talking? She needs to go, I have the right to sleep in my own bed, god she is overeating. I offered to pay for a taxi, I’m did the right thing for sure. She is just storming away now, drama queen. Can I hear her crying? Too hard. ASLEEP. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Everyone has there own narrative, he thinks he was the good guy because he offered to pay for a taxi, not thinking that maybe the good guy thing was to suck it up and go to sleep next to me. To avoid me feeling used and unwanted and possible putting me in danger late at night. His story is also much shorter because he was asleep for most of it, I had to kill time, while he napped, then a huge journey home, while he was fast asleep.
Both these stories are true, for the given value of truth.