I have been given a mountain of advice lately, when you have boy drama people are ready with a kind or sometimes harsh word. I am guilty of being a first in line to give my friends life advice.
Most of the feed back has been on the lines of:
“Let him go”
“Kick him to the curb”
“You deserve better”
This is making the assumption that this is a nice black and white situation, but all I feel is grey.
Words of attempted comfort include:
“I want to say there are plenty more fish in the sea, but most of them are dicks too”
“Boys are terrible they always think they can do better” (He can probably do better, but generally only my inner voice says that)
“Yeah you’re bigger, but there are plenty of guys who are into that….”
“I mean what did you expect from a 21 year old party boy?”
A bit nicer yet still not sure how helpful:
“His loss, he doesn’t know what he is missing”
“He likes you this much ——– But there is someone out there who will like you this much ————————————————————————- so don’t settle because you’re afraid”
“If you let him get away with this he will keep treating you badly because now he thinks it’s ok”
I would probably give the same advise:
“Cut it off now, heal and get back out there and move on”
“Have some self respect gurl!”
“No one is worth feeling like this”
“NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER”
“You are beautiful and deserve the whole world”
Then some songs, it’s like every song is about my situation:
“And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him” – Dua Lipa (This came on in the taxi we were both in the other morning, It was hard not to laugh at the blatant irony)
Basically every song from Marina and the Diamonds speaks to me eg.
“Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
‘Cause really, I adore you, and I can’t leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong
Come on, baby, let’s just, get drunk, forget we don’t get on”
“You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake
You’re a coward ’til the end
I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit
No, I’m not the type that you like
Why don’t we just pretend?”
“You only ever touch me
In the dark
Only if we’re drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening could you give yourself to me”
One of my friends who knows all the in’s and out of this ‘relationship’ laid out my options in her opinion:
- Accept that this is all he is capable of, that he will continue to be selfish. Nothing will change for your foreseeable relationship.
- You can dump him on his ass and try to deal with the heartache.
The first option might make you feel safer but you’ll keep going round in frustrating circles. If you chose the second option the pain will pass and eventually you will feel that empowerment again but it will take time. God she is wise, out of all the advise I have enlisted this is the realest and hardest to hear.
Where does this leave me? I just feel sad, and dark. I have tried distraction, talking to other boys, innocent flirting with work mates, it helps for a little while. But I still want him, I want him to want me. I like to think that maybe I can just pull myself back, maybe just fuck him from time to time and not live in hope that he will suddenly care about me. Maybe I can disconnect, normally it’s easy. I have slept with 13 people and only really liked 3 of them and he is at the top of that list. Maybe I just miss the sex? My friends used to say if I ever had really good sex I would become an addict. I read a definition of addiction the other day that was “Continuously doing something for pleasure even though you know it’s going to hurt you” So maybe I am addicted, to feeling pretty, to being touched, to being kissed, to feeling desired, to being seen, even for a little while. Even though I know better now, he’ll be late, he’ll cancel, he’ll not reply, he will make me feel crazy, he’ll make me feel small, he’ll disregard me.
Fool me twice… Shame on me I guess.