Curtains!

Finally an end to this bloody saga!

YR (the boy) and I have definitively and maturely ended things tonight, once and fucking for all. I am actually feeling really good, which might be because of the break-up sex ( A+) but also because I feel this whole thing has been hanging over me for months now. I have known it’s not been right for so long now, but in such denial because he made me feel so good. I am very proud of myself, I said it out loud, it was my choice, my call. He was extremely nice, he apologised for all the shit that happened between us, for the last minute cancellations to the incident at his house. He knew he hurt me and he did seem to be genuinely sad about that. One aspect was hard to hear (even though I love being right) he confirmed that he never saw the relationship going anywhere. He was just not that into me! I was right and that hurts… He will always mean something to me, I will always care. I have learnt so much with him: what I want, what I don’t want, a glimpse of what it could be.  He was very sweet, and we had a good laugh. I’m going to say it ‘Best Break Up EVER!’

His parting message was “Never forget you’re a shiny rainbow person!”

My new housemate was shocked that I have never been in love, because I am such a happy go lucky, love person. I have always felt I have a lot of love to give, but not a lot of people lining up to take it or return it. Which is why my friends and family are showered in so much of it I guess. I have a history of quite strong and loving platonic relationships however; my high school best friend Tree and my current best friend at home Cass, it is pretty powerful love that I have felt for both of them and for a lot of my people. 

I want more, I want to be in love and I want to be loved, I want to feel all the feelings and be felt… Better a candle burn out fast then never burn at all (more wise words from YR the 21 year old 😛 )

 

 

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Tangent

I have avoiding being here, writing is a brilliant tool for processing life but I didn’t want to process, I wanted to wallow in it. I have been faced will a bit of failure lately and really struggling with it. A few art job opportunities  I didn’t get, maybe I wasn’t ready for them. I need to do more creatively otherwise I might as well go home. I don’t want to go home, I need to do more, I need to push myself.  Lately I have been incredibly self indulgent when it comes to self pity. It is just so much easier then doing the work, but it sometimes takes longer to get out of. I am trying to get through some of my procrastination, boy drama is one of them.

YR has been on the scene again even though I kinda felt like we had fizzled and I wasn’t even that upset about it. The last time I saw him was a really good night, so I was glad it didn’t end in that dramatic scene of him throwing me out of his house late at night so I didn’t disturb his sleep. It was a little concerning how ready I was to forgive him for all of that… I was about ready to let him go, when he reaches out with a bunch of apologies. It really threw me for a second, could it be different, maybe things have changed. I am grateful for my friends, who in that moment of conflict remind me of how low I was, of how many tears I wasted. I care too much about him, I still want to save him, save him from his spiraling. Even his friends are telling me that they are worried about him, partying too hard and too often… But I can’t, no one can, he has to make his own mistakes and make a choice to grow up and be more aware of other people and himself. Now that he is back in view it’s so hard not to let him in…

I took a random boy home the other night. It was so not the plan at all. I think it may also be the quickest turn around from meeting someone to them being in bed with me. We were at this party with a lot of YR’s friends, which was a bit odd, I get along with them pretty well. Then there was a couple people sharing a taxi towards my house, so I jumped at the opportunity. I chatted to the guys for about 10 minutes before the the car arrived, one of them, lets call him Barbados I’d noticed at the party. He was cute with fun facial hair, glasses and a leather jacket. We get in the car and get to chatting, I am not sure what it was about. He then tells his pal that he’ll jump out with me and just walk home, his friend really tries to talk him out of it but Barbados knew what he wanted. I didn’t, I can sometimes be pretty clueless about these kind of things, I am often in disbelief about guys attraction to me ( Hello low self esteem). He walks me to my door and suddenly we’re kissing, then we are upstairs in my bed… We were quite drunk so not that much even happened. I will say he was an excellent kisser, funny and had a lot of good chat. Negatives were his hands, and nails (ouch), It was very rough and ready and I was drunk and polite so I didn’t handle the situation very well. I also had a ‘whore-ish’ feeling at moments, which was a bit nasty. I missed YR in those moments, he was always so focused on mutual pleasure, and aware of me. I guess I took that for granted. I also don’t really like strangers touching me, which is something I have to work on, because then people think I don’t like certain things…. I do, but not straight away and not like that… Overall it was still a positive experience and helped some of my insecurities.

My other distracting hobby at the moment is crushing on unattainable men. I went to drinks with my house-mate and his friend the other night. I am harbouring a big crush on this guy, he is smart, funny, ethically minded, works in a helping people industry, and built like a beautiful brick wall (so my type). However in a serious relationship, I don’t really know her so I don’t feel super bad about the crush. Then she also comes to drinks which makes it a bit awkward because my house-mate had stepped out for a smoke when she came to join us, at that moment it felt like we had been sprung on a date. Well that’s what I felt, I am sure he didn’t feel that way at all. He is just one of those all round decent guys, who seems like the whole package to me. I am unsure if these are helpful or unhelpful distractions yet, they help me not think about YR which is good. However I also sometimes use them as a weapon against myself, “Well they would never like someone like you” “They already found a better person to be with” Hmmm I don’t know. I also run scenarios in my head of my crushes breaking up with their partners and comforting them… I mean sometimes it’s a little messed up.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent…

 

 

Fear

Sometimes I think my fear of success is stronger then my fear of failure. Today I had an interview for an incredible creative opportunity. It is a dream job, doing what I love and getting paid really well for it. However already I am afraid that if I get it how I will struggle to juggle my other job. I am so afraid of losing the little stability I have, this is a classic Jas move, clinging to the safety net. Worst case scenario I have to quit my job. I wasn’t meant to settle into a job, but I gravitated to it. This new opportunity is why I moved to the other side of the world, I shouldn’t be worried about actually getting it. Hmmm that’s my other worry, what If I get this new gig and I am terrible? What if I say I can do it all but I can’t, I’m just me. My logical brain tells me that I can do it and if anything a challenge is best for me. This job might just lead to more and more paid creative gigs #thedream!!

Speaking about fear I spoke openly and effortlessly about my mental health issues and eating disorder today. Even a year ago I would have struggled to speak about that kind of stuff. I think I have been pretty afraid of acknowledging it at all, I like people to think that I am too hardcore for mental illness. I also don’t like justifying that eating disorders don’t just mean not eating…  However my friend who I shared this with has been very open with me about her issues. I liked that I could let her know and not in a “Call the doctor” way but in a casual “I had a bad day” way. I felt safe and actually lighter just letting someone in and even having a joke about it.

What my mental health sometimes looks like = I sometimes get in a low place and unconsciously and sometimes consciously eat/binge to distract myself or to try and change the darkness, or to prove to myself how disgusting I am ( I don’t normally think this about myself however in dark times). I haven’t done it in a good long while, maybe since I’ve been here.

I was listing to a podcast the other day and they were discussing how if you don’t use your creative energy it turns into destructive energy. Create and destroy being different sides of the same coin. As a concept it makes sense to me and may have contributed to my bad day. I also got a bit home sick this week which also may have compounded the situation.

I need to make sure I am writing here at least once a week, because even if this is all I do creatively I think it really helps, It’s a brilliant outlet for a lot of my internal nonsense.

A little Crush

“It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush”

I have said this so many time but rarely meant it… I often have crushes on unattainable guys, when I was teenager that included everyone but normally older guys. I performed in a play when I was 14 and had the biggest crush on an 18 year old in the show. Age was the main reason we could never be a thing… he might have really liked me but knew it was wrong so couldn’t do anything. At an after party he offered me his jacket with this prefix “As long as you don’t think this is a romantic gesture or anything”. Which naturally I over analysed completely, because he said the word romantic in regards to me. I kept the jacket shirt thing, washed hung it up on the clothes rail only for my Mum to notice and asked my point blank if I was ‘Sweet on him’  I remember being so embarrassed I thought I would explode, I denied everything. Clearly  “The lady doth protest too much”. We went to a party together, well not together, I said I could wait for him at the station and we could go together. I made my friend spend all afternoon making me a pretty fairy, it was a fairy party. I waiting for him for a hour. Then we had to wait for a train transfer for nearly another hour and he drew a long ivy band all up my arm with a tattoo marker we found on the train. We listened to Avenue Q together sharing headphones, I felt like a pretty girl in the beginning of a Rom Com, not fat or ugly like I normally felt. Because we were so late to the party I was only there for about a hour before my Mum picked me up. Still it was an incredible night, A+ crush night.

Is it my love of fantasy or stories?

You crush on the unattainable but one day, against all odds and defying everything he picks you?!

I mixed unattainable in dating a little too much, I have slept with more then one unavailable guy. Again it means if it doesn’t work or he leaves it’s not that he doesn’t like you, he was never free for you. I have since learnt that being someones mistress is not as fun as it sounds. You get resigned to coming second place, every damn time. You even get used to being less important then everyone else, and feeling lucky that he found the time to even see you.  I’d now like to quote Marina and the Diamonds Staring Role:

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart
You know I’d rather walk alone
Than play a supporting role
If I can’t get the starring role

I know all of this and yet I have a crush, and If I think I could be happy as his mistress. I know I couldn’t really,  he is in a 12 year relationship which is not something I could really be involved with, they sleep in separate beds, which shouldn’t change anything. Also I know that you can’t trust someone who cheats on their partner, just because it’s with me it doesn’t make him a great guy. I can’t just say “Well he’s different with me” Also if he cheated would he still be the guy that I like? I love his loyalty. I love a lot of things about him… I mean like, It’s just a crush, don’t make it a thing. He makes me promise to message him that I get home safe, I mean I am only human 😛  We flirt a little, it’s innocent and he is a natural flirt anyway, I’m nothing special. He does send me bed snap chats, which I have been told might be a thing… My friends keep joking about it and saying that we would be cute together, but It’s really nothing. We are just friends and I hope to be good friends as he is a great guy… It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush.

 

 

 

Respect

I have been thinking about the importance of respect lately, I mean Atretha sang about it for a reason.  I got in a discussion with my housemate the other day, we often don’t agree on things, sometimes I think she just likes to be obstinate, but sometimes I am happy for a debate. We have been watching the same TV show and I shared a moment that I thought the show did terribly. Basic premise, Mum sleeps with teenage daughters teacher, she didn’t know that her daughter also had a crush on said teacher. My annoyance is that the show seems to make out that the teenager is overeating, that her feelings are inappropriate and two consenting adults can do what they like. I explained to my housemate that I thought it was a terrible parent move to date and sleep with your kids teacher, how can you not think about how this might effect them? My housemate disagreed and thought that it’s hard to find people to connect with and that was worth more then a stupid teenage crush. This made me mad for a second, I could not understand how someone could be so selfish and not respect their own child. Then I got sad because it really just sounded like my housemate wanted love and didn’t care who she effected to get it, even a fictional daughter. I often find myself grateful for my childhood, I mean it was crazy a lot of the time, but my mother and my whole family is really good at treating kids and teenagers like people, mutual respect. There is a similar story line in Gilmore Girls, where the mum is hyper aware of how a relationship would effect her daughter, nothing about a crush but how it would effect her education and day to day school life, she respected her daughter and her right to a problem free education.

I think maybe I get upset at the idea of a parent choosing sex or a partner over the welfare of their child. Which logically comes from my father picking his wife over me, he was asked to choose and he chose her. I used to hate it when Mum would date, terrified that she would leave me too… I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just be happy with just us,  why wasn’t I enough?  I think I have more understanding now, I get the importance of in my case male attention,  but my fierce loyalty runs deep and if I had to choose to be celibate for all my family I wouldn’t have to think about it. Maybe it is more about loyalty then respect, maybe it’s a mixture.

Self respect is something else I learnt from my mum, sometimes I learnt how not to do it. She is the most powerful, loud, unapologetic, empowered feminist I know… well until a guy calls her pretty. I watched my strong, colourful, passionate mother shrink to within an inch of her life. I remember once describing her as an incredible HD wide screen TV, the older guy she was dating was a tiny old black and white TV radio. He didn’t know how to grow, so she shrank, she lessened herself to his level. I was 16 and I saw it all, I tried to tell her, to warn her, to throw her a rope. But all of her own daddy issues were exposed in this relationship, with an old man who said nice things to her. I couldn’t replace that for her, I couldn’t make her see, I couldn’t help her.  He finally broke it off, she didn’t have the self respect to do it herself. She crawled into my bed at 6am crying, telling me it was finally over, I couldn’t help but be pleased, she could heal and get her mojo back. Soon enough she was with someone else he was a better fit, but still not right, he left his own family which is a cardinal sin in ours. He was verbally aggressive when he drank and he needed a drink every day. He had chronic pain, so he would get cranky but at least it meant he needed her. She jumped through hoops for his happiness, “Give him what he wants and maybe he’ll stay” I remember seeing little moments, moments where she gave herself away, until she was a shell. Again he ended it, because she couldn’t, she is a fixer not a quitter. At what point does self respect have to win?

I used to fear that I would be my mother, mostly for reasons I don’t care about anymore, however losing myself for a man is still one of them. I watched her lose integrity, purpose and identity. I don’t want to drop everything because a guy calls me pretty. I want value my self respect, I need my 16 year old self to be proud of me, I have to be able to look at myself in the eye. I don’t think he respects me… even how he is in my room, he left the other night with beer cans all over the floor, he used my oil burner as an ashtray. He doesn’t respect my feelings or my experience. Even though I am loud, and passionate and fat, I still deserve respect. I can’t just wait for him to end it, I have to ask for what I want and if he can’t give it to me then I have to say goodbye.

“If you ain’t got respect, you ain’t got anything” – Granny Weatherwax… I didn’t think this applied to how I treat myself.

Advice

I have been given a mountain of advice lately, when you have boy drama people are ready with a kind or sometimes harsh word. I am guilty of being a first in line to give my friends life advice.

Most of the feed back has been on the lines of:

“Let him go”

“Kick him to the curb”

“Move on

“You deserve better”

This is making the assumption that this is a nice black and white situation, but all I feel is grey.

 

Words of attempted comfort include:

“I want to say there are plenty more fish in the sea, but most of them are dicks too”

“Boys are terrible they always think they can do better” (He can probably do better, but generally only my inner voice says that)

“Yeah you’re bigger, but there are plenty of guys who are into that….”

“I mean what did you expect from a 21 year old party boy?”

A bit nicer yet still not sure how helpful:

“His loss, he doesn’t know what he is missing”

“He likes you this much ——– But there is someone out there who will like you this much ————————————————————————- so don’t settle because you’re afraid”

“If you let him get away with this he will keep treating you badly because now he thinks it’s ok”

I would probably give the same advise:

“Cut it off now, heal and get back out there and move on”

“Have some self respect gurl!”

“No one is worth feeling like this”

“NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER”

“You are beautiful and deserve the whole world”

Then some songs, it’s like every song is about my situation:

“And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him” – Dua Lipa (This came on in the taxi we were both in the other morning, It was hard not to laugh at the blatant irony)

Basically every song from Marina and the Diamonds speaks to me eg.

“Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
‘Cause really, I adore you, and I can’t leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong
Come on, baby, let’s just, get drunk, forget we don’t get on”

“You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake
You’re a coward ’til the end
I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit
No, I’m not the type that you like
Why don’t we just pretend?”

“You only ever touch me 
In the dark
Only if we’re drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening could you give yourself to me”

One of my friends who knows all the in’s and out of this ‘relationship’ laid out my options in her opinion:

  1. Accept that this is all he is capable of, that he will continue to be selfish. Nothing will change for your foreseeable relationship.
  2. You can dump him on his ass and try to deal with the heartache.

The first option might make you feel safer but you’ll keep going round in frustrating circles. If you chose the second option the pain will pass and eventually you will feel that empowerment again but it will take time.  God she is wise, out of all the advise I have enlisted this is the realest and hardest to hear.

Where does this leave me? I just feel sad, and dark. I have tried distraction, talking to other boys, innocent flirting with work mates, it helps for a little while. But I still want him, I want him to want me. I like to think that maybe I can just pull myself back, maybe just fuck him from time to time and not live in hope that he will suddenly care about me. Maybe I can disconnect, normally it’s easy. I have slept with 13 people and only really liked 3 of them and he is at the top of that list. Maybe I just miss the sex? My friends used to say if I ever had really good sex I would become an addict. I read a definition of addiction the other day that was “Continuously doing something  for pleasure even though you know it’s going to hurt you” So maybe I am addicted, to feeling pretty, to being touched, to being kissed, to feeling desired, to being seen, even for a little while. Even though I know better now, he’ll be late, he’ll cancel, he’ll not reply, he will make me feel crazy, he’ll make me feel small, he’ll disregard me.

Fool me twice… Shame on me I guess.

 

 

Opera

For just over a week I worked on an Opera, I was an Assistant Stage Manager for a whole week. It was one of the hardest and most rewarding weeks of my life. I was so grateful for the experience and for the reminder, this is what I want to do with my life. I want to work together with a team of creatives and make something worthwhile. The curtain goes up, there is nothing more thrilling then that curtain. Live or die the show goes on, so you best hope you’ve got the nerve. I met some incredible people, some truly talented people, some hilarious people and some god awful people, takes all sorts to make a world and an Opera apparently.

I felt amazing, like I was meant to be, being a stage manager feels like being a Discworld Witch, not always glamorous but you get the job done one way or another, you don’t do it for praise or recognition, you do the job that’s in front of you because it has to be done. If you are really good at it people wont even know you were there. But you leave a mark still, a word of encouragement here a sholder to cry on there, a creative solution to every problem.

I felt so at home. I made lists and swept, listened to grievances and rants, I was a smile in a stressful room, a joke in a tense moment, logic in a storm.

I am the most me when I’m in a theatre, i feel real.

I am good at my job and I love it. I am a Stage Manager and I will continue to work at it, I want my whole life to be in this theatre I want that feeling to stay. I want to belong and be needed and be helpful and be rational and listen and create and learn. This week was one of the best in my whole life, even when it was hard or frustrating I was still where I was meant to be. I fit. It’s about people, these were my people, kind, talented, funny and generous. It’s about telling a story well, telling an important story, using this platform to share.

I was so consumed in this week, I let everything else go… Jobs, money, stress, boys or a boy. I was only for the Opera and the Opera was for me, no time for other drama. Now it’s over a lot of it is caving back into me, which hurts, I wasn’t healed just distracted. I am still sad, deeply low.  But I know now, I know that my dream is something that I am good at, something I can achieve, this ball is rolling and I wont miss my chance. Boys may come and go, (probably just go) but I have to keep trying to do the work and try to stay open to the possibilities. I can’t let this drown me, I am a fighter and I am strong. I will love and be loved, even if that is just by my beautiful friends. I will hope and strive and live big, always. I am so grateful, I know my path… I just need to learn how to walk it.