Can I sell your family’s silver?

I need to pay of a big debt before March and I am started to get the fear. I was meant to pay some this month but Christmas and extra bills have made that impossible. I am really scared that I won’t be able to do it. So I’ve been looking into the potential Life Modelling and wondering if I could really do it, I don’t have any real training but I have done a bunch of modelling for photography’s, recently some naked ones… I found out that in this country you can sell your eggs but not if you are over the BMI (Bullshit meter for idiots, which has been proven has nothing to do with health). So then I look online for some more sketchy money options, still being a fat women makes the idea of sex work inherently niche, find people with that kink, which I don’t really like, I don’t want to be a kink. I worry that I might be too fat to really do any sex work, not that I am saying I want to, but I really don’t think I am anyone’s fantasy…Then there are legal and moral connotations involved. I find myself wondering if I could even do it, fully commit to it head high. It’s not that I am at all prudish or afraid of risky sex, I once hooked up with a stranger in a beer garden about 15 meters from a group of people #sluttyhumblebrag.

This fear of poverty is so scary, sometimes I feel helpless. I don’t have a financial net, I don’t have Mummy or Daddy to bail me out. Everything I have done is entirely independently and not by choice, I would have loved some help. Please help. Maybe a Sugar Daddy would solve all my problems, or enough money for this debt and a little savings. Hmmmmm maybe it will never be enough, what is enough money? I have literally just signed up for a Sugar Daddy page, which will mostly be a good laugh but maybe something?  What would this mean for my new want for a boyfriend, I probably can’t do both. On that note I have started flirting with a newish guy from work, which has been fun. I find it so hard not to let my imagination go wild and plan our Christmas together, I mean we haven’t even kissed and I am not convinced that I even like him. I need something, otherwise I am not going to make it. I’m working extra shifts at my second job but I work really hard for 4 hours and come out of it with GB28.00 for my efforts, it’s not sustainable. My main job pays better but is capped at 16 hours a week so not much more I can do there. So maybe I just need a better second job?  Or a third job?

 

 

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Ace of Cups

“In the Ace of Cups, a huge cup is being offered to you and you are being invited to reach out and drink from it. This is a symbol of fulfillment, not just emotionally but also spiritually. The opportunity for fulfillment is there – will you take it?” 

My housemate read my Tarot cards last night, apparently all that hold me back from opportunity is fear, well more like sheer terror. I wanted to think about success in all forms; career and relationship. Basically I had a heap of cups which is opportunity and emotion, I was being held back by swords which indicates fear and over thinking. So it pretty much nailed me. I am writing an application for a pretty amazing job at the moment, however I still don’t know what I am more afraid of, failing or succeeding. I think I have figured out my three big fears about success; change is the biggest one, If I get this job I would have to quit my other 2 jobs, I would have to shift a lot of my new normal. My second fear is not being good enough or what my housemate called impostor syndrome, I don’t think I am worthy for the role, or I have taken some kind of unfair shortcut. My third fear is a basic fear of the unknown, starting at the beginning again, being the new girl, not knowing anything ( I hate not knowing). I think I often beat myself up for not achieving more, I am here to create and take it all in, I haven’t done nearly enough… But I guess I also need to eat, which means there has to be a level of practicality.

 

The Lovers reversed can also indicate inner conflicts and being at war with yourself rather than with external forces. It suggests disharmony and difficulty in being able to balance your own inner union” 

So there may be some truth in this too… I think I am still struggling with the realisation that I want a relationship. I have been a happy lone wolf for sometime, forever really. I have now decided that I want more then casual sex, or a fling, or a hook up. I have decided… So now how do I find someone to love me? What is the next step? It doesn’t quite fit in my head. I will endeavour to be open to the world and to all the people, but I should probably more proactive, right? I think I have to quit Tinder because all it does is make me vain and boring and really is only good for sex… So if not there, where? I am a somewhat acquired taste, I am fat and loud and opinionated, I wear bright colours and am a BIG personality. I am also funny, passionate, loving, geeky, kind… ummm probably other good stuff, but who can say. I am also  struggling with the ‘Strong independent woman’ stuff too, “I don’t need no man!”which is true, but I want one, I don’t think that makes me weak… Soppy, stupid and vulnerable… but not weak.

Exhausted; happy day

I woke up to snow, easily the most magical thing to come from the sky. When I see snow I feel my heart get lighter, my inner child gets so excited and I just want to cry at the feeling. People here have mostly learnt to take snow for granted but for an Australian it’s so special. Snow and Squirrels still bring me such infantile joy, I am nearly embarrassed about how happy they make me, nearly.

I had brunch with a friend who I really like, he is a brilliant guy and I am grateful to have him in my life. We ate wonderful food and one of my favourite spots, and chatted for hours, about little and big stuff. I am such a fan of big talk, lets talk death, family and sex, all the good stuff. The other night my housemates friend came round and it was all BIG talk, which was brilliant, politics to feminism to relationships. He told me some pretty personal stuff and I felt comfortable to share some too. The first time I met this friend I thought he was nice enough, funny, but this time there was a little spark, maybe. I might be fishing for one however, I have been flirting up a storm lately, I really want to be with someone. I find it annoying because before YR I felt ok being alone, but he gave me a taste that I am not ready to let go of. Even part of my happy day today was flirting with the security guard in the chemist (also buying shiny makeup for my soul #payday)  Other happiness came from buying a really cheap and cute scarf, sometimes it’s the little things that can get you through a tough moment. I bought a book of Neil Gaiman’s a collection of short stories called Trigger Warning and had an interesting chat with the book shop lady about his writing, I shared my story of meeting him and how incredible he is.

I guess in a lot of ways I am pretty easy to please, a bit of snow, nice meal, a bargain, sharing fandom, good company and an innocent flirt. I may be exhausted now from all the smiling and chatting and loud exclaiming but being tired from too much happy is alright by me.

Take your scythe and get out!

I went to my work friend mums funeral today, she was only 65. It’s odd I used to think that was old but now both my grandmothers are older then that and I am pretty sure they agreed to live forever. I was so sad for my friend, she is such a brilliant person who has already had a pretty terrible time of life. She is also a great friend to me, when I was struggling with all my YR drama she was there with a sholder to cry on and a word of comfort… She also would remind me that all men a shit, she shared some really personal and terrible things that have happened to her with men. She and I were quick friends bonding on geeky stuff, Buffy and Star Wars ect. I wish I could have done more for her, she has to be strong for her dad and strong for her sons (though her oldest was doing a great job today). Funerals are just so rough, a few words is just not enough to sum up a life.

The only other funeral I’ve been to was my Great Grandmothers, she was 95 and lived the most out of life and it was still very sad. She left quite a crowd behind, many stories were told, my Granny played Liar Dice on her coffin, my Mum cried so much that my Great Aunt (Graunty)  went and held her up while she spoke. I remember being so angry that the my oldest Uncle didn’t come, it was such a family gathering, my Graunty came from Canada for crying out loud. We were all meant to be there to support my Granny and suddenly my oldest uncle didn’t care, the other 3 kids were there. I remember being so mad at him, I knew it might be hard for him to organise his wife and two kids, but I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just come himself.  I found out after the funeral that the day my Great Grandmother died (his Grandmother) my Uncle had found out that his wife had cancer… I was mad at someone who might lose the mother of his children, his love, she is no where near 95, it’s not right. My Aunt now has metastatic breast cancer, stage 4 cancer. Her kids, my wonderful cousins are only 11 and 13 years old.

This mortality thing is a bit bullshit I think… But then I see a baby, and think maybe thats how it’s meant to go right? Death to leave room for life…

I think I tend to struggle with the concept of mortality because I haven’t known much death. Which really means at 25 years old it is all ahead of me… I can barley fit the idea of my Grandmothers dying let alone my mother, luckily for me she is very young but my Aunt is younger and she’s dying. We sat at the back today, my other work friend who just turned 60 told me about the countless funerals she has been to, and how you know the people more and more and move closer to the front of the service. I don’t want that, I can barley attend a funeral of a stranger without crying.

My cousin at home has a credit card with a $3500.00 available on it in case of emergency, death or death bed flights home.

I am terrified for the day I have to use it.

Curtains!

Finally an end to this bloody saga!

YR (the boy) and I have definitively and maturely ended things tonight, once and fucking for all. I am actually feeling really good, which might be because of the break-up sex ( A+) but also because I feel this whole thing has been hanging over me for months now. I have known it’s not been right for so long now, but in such denial because he made me feel so good. I am very proud of myself, I said it out loud, it was my choice, my call. He was extremely nice, he apologised for all the shit that happened between us, for the last minute cancellations to the incident at his house. He knew he hurt me and he did seem to be genuinely sad about that. One aspect was hard to hear (even though I love being right) he confirmed that he never saw the relationship going anywhere. He was just not that into me! I was right and that hurts… He will always mean something to me, I will always care. I have learnt so much with him: what I want, what I don’t want, a glimpse of what it could be.  He was very sweet, and we had a good laugh. I’m going to say it ‘Best Break Up EVER!’

His parting message was “Never forget you’re a shiny rainbow person!”

My new housemate was shocked that I have never been in love, because I am such a happy go lucky, love person. I have always felt I have a lot of love to give, but not a lot of people lining up to take it or return it. Which is why my friends and family are showered in so much of it I guess. I have a history of quite strong and loving platonic relationships however; my high school best friend Tree and my current best friend at home Cass, it is pretty powerful love that I have felt for both of them and for a lot of my people. 

I want more, I want to be in love and I want to be loved, I want to feel all the feelings and be felt… Better a candle burn out fast then never burn at all (more wise words from YR the 21 year old 😛 )

 

 

Tangent

I have avoiding being here, writing is a brilliant tool for processing life but I didn’t want to process, I wanted to wallow in it. I have been faced will a bit of failure lately and really struggling with it. A few art job opportunities  I didn’t get, maybe I wasn’t ready for them. I need to do more creatively otherwise I might as well go home. I don’t want to go home, I need to do more, I need to push myself.  Lately I have been incredibly self indulgent when it comes to self pity. It is just so much easier then doing the work, but it sometimes takes longer to get out of. I am trying to get through some of my procrastination, boy drama is one of them.

YR has been on the scene again even though I kinda felt like we had fizzled and I wasn’t even that upset about it. The last time I saw him was a really good night, so I was glad it didn’t end in that dramatic scene of him throwing me out of his house late at night so I didn’t disturb his sleep. It was a little concerning how ready I was to forgive him for all of that… I was about ready to let him go, when he reaches out with a bunch of apologies. It really threw me for a second, could it be different, maybe things have changed. I am grateful for my friends, who in that moment of conflict remind me of how low I was, of how many tears I wasted. I care too much about him, I still want to save him, save him from his spiraling. Even his friends are telling me that they are worried about him, partying too hard and too often… But I can’t, no one can, he has to make his own mistakes and make a choice to grow up and be more aware of other people and himself. Now that he is back in view it’s so hard not to let him in…

I took a random boy home the other night. It was so not the plan at all. I think it may also be the quickest turn around from meeting someone to them being in bed with me. We were at this party with a lot of YR’s friends, which was a bit odd, I get along with them pretty well. Then there was a couple people sharing a taxi towards my house, so I jumped at the opportunity. I chatted to the guys for about 10 minutes before the the car arrived, one of them, lets call him Barbados I’d noticed at the party. He was cute with fun facial hair, glasses and a leather jacket. We get in the car and get to chatting, I am not sure what it was about. He then tells his pal that he’ll jump out with me and just walk home, his friend really tries to talk him out of it but Barbados knew what he wanted. I didn’t, I can sometimes be pretty clueless about these kind of things, I am often in disbelief about guys attraction to me ( Hello low self esteem). He walks me to my door and suddenly we’re kissing, then we are upstairs in my bed… We were quite drunk so not that much even happened. I will say he was an excellent kisser, funny and had a lot of good chat. Negatives were his hands, and nails (ouch), It was very rough and ready and I was drunk and polite so I didn’t handle the situation very well. I also had a ‘whore-ish’ feeling at moments, which was a bit nasty. I missed YR in those moments, he was always so focused on mutual pleasure, and aware of me. I guess I took that for granted. I also don’t really like strangers touching me, which is something I have to work on, because then people think I don’t like certain things…. I do, but not straight away and not like that… Overall it was still a positive experience and helped some of my insecurities.

My other distracting hobby at the moment is crushing on unattainable men. I went to drinks with my house-mate and his friend the other night. I am harbouring a big crush on this guy, he is smart, funny, ethically minded, works in a helping people industry, and built like a beautiful brick wall (so my type). However in a serious relationship, I don’t really know her so I don’t feel super bad about the crush. Then she also comes to drinks which makes it a bit awkward because my house-mate had stepped out for a smoke when she came to join us, at that moment it felt like we had been sprung on a date. Well that’s what I felt, I am sure he didn’t feel that way at all. He is just one of those all round decent guys, who seems like the whole package to me. I am unsure if these are helpful or unhelpful distractions yet, they help me not think about YR which is good. However I also sometimes use them as a weapon against myself, “Well they would never like someone like you” “They already found a better person to be with” Hmmm I don’t know. I also run scenarios in my head of my crushes breaking up with their partners and comforting them… I mean sometimes it’s a little messed up.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent…

 

 

Fear

Sometimes I think my fear of success is stronger then my fear of failure. Today I had an interview for an incredible creative opportunity. It is a dream job, doing what I love and getting paid really well for it. However already I am afraid that if I get it how I will struggle to juggle my other job. I am so afraid of losing the little stability I have, this is a classic Jas move, clinging to the safety net. Worst case scenario I have to quit my job. I wasn’t meant to settle into a job, but I gravitated to it. This new opportunity is why I moved to the other side of the world, I shouldn’t be worried about actually getting it. Hmmm that’s my other worry, what If I get this new gig and I am terrible? What if I say I can do it all but I can’t, I’m just me. My logical brain tells me that I can do it and if anything a challenge is best for me. This job might just lead to more and more paid creative gigs #thedream!!

Speaking about fear I spoke openly and effortlessly about my mental health issues and eating disorder today. Even a year ago I would have struggled to speak about that kind of stuff. I think I have been pretty afraid of acknowledging it at all, I like people to think that I am too hardcore for mental illness. I also don’t like justifying that eating disorders don’t just mean not eating…  However my friend who I shared this with has been very open with me about her issues. I liked that I could let her know and not in a “Call the doctor” way but in a casual “I had a bad day” way. I felt safe and actually lighter just letting someone in and even having a joke about it.

What my mental health sometimes looks like = I sometimes get in a low place and unconsciously and sometimes consciously eat/binge to distract myself or to try and change the darkness, or to prove to myself how disgusting I am ( I don’t normally think this about myself however in dark times). I haven’t done it in a good long while, maybe since I’ve been here.

I was listing to a podcast the other day and they were discussing how if you don’t use your creative energy it turns into destructive energy. Create and destroy being different sides of the same coin. As a concept it makes sense to me and may have contributed to my bad day. I also got a bit home sick this week which also may have compounded the situation.

I need to make sure I am writing here at least once a week, because even if this is all I do creatively I think it really helps, It’s a brilliant outlet for a lot of my internal nonsense.