I’m having a 500 day…

“I only eat 500 calories a day”

“I can’t even stand the thought of real butter anymore”

“Oh my god chocolate is my biggest weakness, it’s so terrible”

The word diet always makes me uncomfortable and maybe weight loss topics in general. Very rarely do you hear people talking about a healthy diet, it’s nearly always about losing weight. As a Fat person who has suffered from eating disorders and depression mixed with a bunch of self hate it’s really hard to be around. Some of it is just about the negativity, or seeing peoples lack of self perception, or the fact that everything they hate about themselves just happens to be a lot of what I am. Making eating either a ridged sad or shameful guilty thing. Being body positive and truly loving myself is a evolving process, some days I feel it, strong and confident and others I want to hide away and cry.

When I was a young teenager I used to get naked in front of my full length mirror and draw crosses over all the parts of my body that I hated, parts I wanted and often thought about cutting off.

I have done more then a couple diets in my time,  nearly every time I spiraled out of control because food for me has always been about safety. My mum used to reward me with food, that’s one of the ways she shows love, ‘Aced an exam, here’s a lasagna!’  I’m the same today, I love baking and cooking for people. I went to a food psychologist once and told her I didn’t want to give up pasta… She calmly responded that I wasn’t there to give up anything, but learn about myself and my relationship with food. She was very good at her job.

When I was a teenager the doctors made me go and see a dietitian, she tried to use the food pyramid to tell me about what I should be eating. You know the one that was created by corporations that sold bread, and pasta, because they last longer and it’s harder to make money from fresh food. This woman told me I was eating too much protein and  she didn’t encourage more fruit or veg but instead some grains like the pyramid says.  Now most people know that the whole thing was a shame, I knew then and could not believe that this women was allowed to spread this bullshit. I feel the same today, it’s been proven that 1000 calories of carbs and a 1000 calories of veg and meat do very different things to a body so why are we still pretending that calories is a universal measuring tool?

On a personal level when a group of people or even just one person is sitting in front of me telling me how much weight they need to lose or how they have really let themselves go, I just feel a bit attacked. I know I shouldn’t take it personally and really I should just feel bad that they punish themselves so much for just living. No, eating a cake is not the worst thing that’s happened this week. You are not hurting anyone with those chips so why are you so guilty. Your weight does not define your worth, your size doesn’t change who you are.

Eat what you want, when you want. Be healthy if you want, it does feel better, chocolate also makes you feel better. You are more then your size… I am more then my size. I do not want or need to diet, neither do you.

(of course you can if you want, but maybe don’t tell me all about it)

My Darling Sara

Then he’s here, and I’m the only girl in the world…Even though it’s just our little world. He sang to me tonight… He showed me “My Darling Sara” which is one of the most honest and saddest love stories I have ever heard. I nuzzled into him then, our bodies fit so well. I love being in his arms. A mixture of nervous excitement and pure peace, with a hint of fear. I could lie in that moment, just him holding me for hours on end. But it’s always over too soon, and I remember that I don’t really fit in his life. I am an optional extra, you know, when he has time. I wonder if he could tell, that I saw someone else just the day before. Does that make me a whore? It’s hard to tell, I felt some shame today, beforehand. I have been talking to this new guy (Ginger) for 3 weeks now, since my angry day, but yesterday was the first time we met. Talked for hours about everything from family to Buffy. It was odd to be with someone new, I have been seeing the Boy (YR) for 3 months now, wow that’s a long time. My friend called us ‘Sweet Together’ I would love nothing more then be Sweet together with him. Part of me is waiting for him, to commit, to say he can’t share me and he wants me all to himself… I think I’ll be waiting for a long time, either because he doesn’t want to give up the power card or because he doesn’t really like me, I might never know which…

Ginger is nice, and more then I expected, funny, smart, sweet…  I don’t know enough about him but I know that 5 hours went by in a flash with him. He was meant to just be a distraction but I don’t know, he might be more.

And yet I would be just his if only he’d ask…

 

Me < Boy

I feel so tired of talking about this boy, who every day makes it more clear that he is just not that into me.  I feel so frustrated that I keep making time for him and he keeps throwing it away.  I mean why can’t he cancel before I wash and shave my whole body? It would be super helpful. I mean I needed to clean my room anyway, but I hate that I thought I had something to do tonight but now I’m just sitting. He constantly wastes my time, If only you could make someone care. But knowing he is captain flaky there’s a part of me that waits for him to cancel, waits for the excuse, waits for that sinking not wanted feeling.  I know he probably doesn’t mean it, he is just young and only aware of himself. I wish I didn’t care, I wish I could switch off. I am trying to distract with friends and random internet boys. But I just want him, GAH so annoying.

I have had an emotional couple of days, with unknown origins. When things like this happen, it’s just such a blow to my confidence and feeds that insecurity. I have to be aware I don’t slip back into bad metal health habits. I need to stay strong, let this crap pass by me, through me if it has to… I can’t hold on to it.

 

 

 

 

 

Casual

02/03/17

I don’t do it for pleasure, I get more pleasure alone.

Is it intimacy? Closeness? Connection?

I like to flirt, flirting is fun. I also like pillow talk I find it can be so very real and soft which can be hard to find with men. I used to like the idea that someone liked me enough to want to sleep with me, but now I don’t think they have to like me at all, I am completely interchangeable.I feel so disconnected, I’m not really there, I get in, get base level approval, like I did a good job then I try to get to the pillow talk, careful to ask more questions then I answer (wouldn’t want them to have any more power over me, they have already seen me naked).

Why I am not satisfied? I don’t think casual is enough anymore. I want to be wanted, really wanted. I need to be touched by someone who can’t resist me, who wants to be near me and hear me and love me.

I know I have to find a way to be happy without anyone. That’s what I’ve always known, you can’t rely on anyone else, they will always let you down, you gotta be independent and self reliant… Ok but what if I don’t ‘need’ someone else, I can still want them. I worry that what I want is such a fantasy, that no mere mortal could live up to. If they’re that brilliant they probably won’t be attracted to me anyway.. You hear that, my fantasy man is too good for me, fuck that! I am worthy, I am. I think. I hope. Maybe there is no fire left anywhere, perhaps we all too desensitized to have a spark with any other human? Are we now to inward to see anyone else?

12/06/17

So much has changed in so little time… mostly for the better. I’m seeing a guy who has fire and makes me feel desired (for the most part).  He is a boy and not a fantasy, though physically he is my dream; tall, broad, strong, solid, big arms and hands. We have a lot of sex and a lot of pillow talk, and just muck around which is the best. I often challenge him to a battle of strength, which unsurprisingly he keeps winning.  I am so happy just being in his arms. I worry that I’m not good enough still, that is a constant. I’m not that forthcoming sexually, maybe I’m boring. I feel like we have this opportunity to try lots of things but I feel either like I have nothing to contribute or all my actually fantasies are not in my bed, ie I’d like to fuck in the park or somewhere risky… We have talked mild kink which I have no problem with, but again I don’t want to be in charge of any of it.

I feel that closeness, connected, intimate. So much that was missing with previous guys I now have in abundance.  I feel pretty comfortable with him… It’s all a bit scary.

Alone

Alone

Reflection, quietness, being naked…. just some of the benefits of both my housemates being away.

I thought I would want company or that I would get lonely or scared of the silence but I feel like I have been rushing home to be alone. It’s been so restful. I feel like I can switch off, I don’t have to be aware of anyone else. I’m not positive or interested for anyone else, I am just being.

I feel like I had big plans of couch and lounge room sex but one boy was too busy/tired and the other I ended up cancelling because I wanted to be by myself.  So many people I know hate being alone, and really struggle with it. I don’t really understand that, I feel like I can recharge when I’m on my own. Also it gives me time to think and read and write. I guess I’m just not a person who needs people, now I want to sign “People who need people!” But Funny Girl was just in the theatre so it’s at the top of my mind. I would call myself a people person really, and a pretty social creature but I want them I don’t need them, I also don’t want them all the time. I feel like I am such a combination, like my skin is classic combination; oily and then also dry and scaly, so is my personality; outspoken, loud extrovert but also a shy and self doubting introvert who wants to just be a fly on the wall, to see but not to be seen. I am an only child and I grew up mostly around adults, I spent a lot of time on my own, which is maybe why it’s normalized. It doesn’t makes sense to need things that you can’t provide for yourself.

I’m alone but I’m not lonely.

My Dearest Jasmine

My Dearest Jasmine,

I hope this finds you settled in, feeling like the next chapter of your life has begun. Choosing who you want to be, being who you are without the expectations of what has been is an important time. Happening in many cycles, hopefully by choice, but sometimes by forced situations…. I saw Dad last night and I am not expecting him to last the week. I know that it is hard for you to understand, and I deeply hope the wound your own father left wasn’t as deep as the one my father did. I feel that this attending and caring, loving and letting go of a man I always reached for, but could never touch… He coloured so much of every relationship with men that I ever had. This is important to heal , to be whole with… for now he doesn’t want to let go of my hand… until he must. There is so much healing taking place, I am grateful for the tears that keep flowing through me. 

When you are there and I am here, we can only really send each other love. Your life, your healing, your being whole, that you may love with ALL that you are, not the truncated depths the wounding that is abandonment by father can leave… I hope the other side of the planet is far enough to really choose, to deeply allow. Obviously I don’t know… but I hope, for you to love and be loved in return, it is a grand adventure… not the only one, but a grand one. My deepest wish for you is for a life you truly choose and totally love living. You are the greatest gift and part of my life… I am always in awe of you and deeply proud of how you live… Excited now about your next chapters… 

With ALL my love, Your Mamma, Mummy.. (Katherine too..) 

On the edge of Anger

When I was 10 I was so angry at my mother, I believe it was because she didn’t buy me a Yowie (like an Australian Kinder Surprise). I was outraged at the injustice of it all, as my friend got to have one. I was also sad for not getting the chocolate and toy, frustrated that we were always so poor, and embarrassed about how my mum had handled it in front of my friends. All this combined left me in fiery rage, I wouldn’t get back in the car with her and started walking towards home ( a 30 minute drive away) I climbed this massive hill in our town that other days you couldn’t pay me to walk up. My fury gave me such energy and will to go on, my stubbornness knew no bounds. Part of me even hoping something bad would happen to me, something that would hurt my mother and really teach her a lesson, hit by a car or bitten by a snake as it was a hot day in the country, something. There have been other times where I have seen anger move myself and others in such powerful and often stupid ways, it’s been a while since I have been on such a rampage… Yesterday was one of those days.

Friday night we were both drunk and in our separate beds… things got intense, but extremely interesting and a little exciting. I was suddenly so eager to see him the next night and he seemed so too. Saturday afternoon comes around and for reasons still unknown but assumed he asks to reschedule to the Sunday morning. He couldn’t really come up with a good excuse or answer a damn question and kept pushing his solution “I’ll be there first thing in the morning” I was actually so disappointed and confused it hurt. Just the day before I was feeling more confident in whatever we are, then in one fowl swoop I felt so lost. I was with my friends so I played the anger card, but really I wanted to cry, he had proven again that he just didn’t give a fuck. I was sad all night and actually did cry a little it was such a hammer to my self esteem. I finally replied and he vaguely acknowledged the issue with a Sorry. The next morning I check in, and he now couldn’t that morning either, shock fucking horror!

That’s when something snapped in me, I was not going to be the girl who wasted her weekend over a guy who obviously doesn’t give a damn about her. I was ready to fight back with a vengeance, I haven’t been so angry in years, I was angry at him, but I was more angry at myself for letting him in. I was angry at the prospect of being that ‘girl’ or turning into a shell like my mother with men, I was so angry for selling myself so short. I decided I needed a lot of male attention, in what capacity I didn’t even care, I texted my male friends to hang out.  Tinder was failing me but then I found a good prospect on Craigslist, a cute ginger guy who wanted some NSA fun with a BBW (That’s what I am) For a good part of the day I was set on having sex with a stranger. I even messaged a guy that has a fat fetish that I used to talk to months ago who kind of unsettled me, but I knew he found me attractive… I haven’t changed since I was 10 years old, I kinda wanted to get hurt by a stranger, to hurt him, which is ridiculous on many levels, you can’t make someone else feel guilt, also putting myself in danger is just stupid, but I didn’t care.

My work Friends invited me out, part of me unconsciously dressed to impress, face on point and boobs out and loud. But it was more then how I looked, I walked with such purpose and when I got to the bar I hadn’t had so much attention in my life. I guess it’s true what they say, attitude is everything.  My male friend ( not part of my work group) came to the bar because I asked him, it was that easy. We had a really good chat about all of the above, and I even admitted that I invited him out to get some male attention, which he was actually pretty cool about. He played devils advocate, “Maybe he does like you but there is other stuff going on. Maybe he is just insecure. Maybe there was a family emergency. Maybe he had a good reason” Then I told him that he was 21 and he said “Well no wonder he is a flaky little shit, you really should be dating someone older, much older because you are so mature and grown” This reflected the message from most of my friends, “You deserve better, you are worthy of time, you have value” But this is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a real relationship, and god when he is there I feel amazing… What if takes me another 24 years to find that again?? My friend left and as I was going to hang with the rest of my work crew when I met my American, we just chatting in passing then he asked if he could buy me a drink and talk for a while. I was definitely putting out all the right vibes, I tell ya if you want to get laid got to a packed bar mad as hell. We chatted and flirted and kissed and when he left to get me a drink a friend of his friend was suddenly desperate for my attention and we did some poppers together, he was cute and Irish. I was the center of this table of strangers. I should have loved that feeling, but it felt bitter sweet, It felt amazing to be showered with attention and affection but it was also hollow. My work friends moved venue, I kissed my American and left. He followed me… We danced, he span me round and round then brought me in tight. It was suddenly so intimate I felt uncomfortable being in public. It was fun but a part of me couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be there with HIM instead, would he twirl and kiss me in the middle of crowded place? Probably, the night we met he kissed me in front basically an audience. For a night that was meant to be pure defiance I ended up feeling a little guilty, which is ridiculous because we are NON exclusive I wasn’t cheating on anyone. My American asked me back to his hotel, I declined saying I needed to be with my friends, he was disappointed but said it was probably for the best as I was far too young and innocent for him. I was the young one!! I didn’t realize but having the option of sex with a stranger was kinda of better then having sex with stranger. I made my point to myself and broadly to him, I am attractive, I have worth, I am not to be taken for granted, I have options!

My friend was cutely proud of me, “You just went out and got yours! You just did it, you made it look so easy! FUCK him!” She was so sweet I felt like I couldn’t tell her that part of me was liberated and the other part just wished I wasn’t there at all, I wised that he had just shown up….