Ace of Cups

“In the Ace of Cups, a huge cup is being offered to you and you are being invited to reach out and drink from it. This is a symbol of fulfillment, not just emotionally but also spiritually. The opportunity for fulfillment is there – will you take it?” 

My housemate read my Tarot cards last night, apparently all that hold me back from opportunity is fear, well more like sheer terror. I wanted to think about success in all forms; career and relationship. Basically I had a heap of cups which is opportunity and emotion, I was being held back by swords which indicates fear and over thinking. So it pretty much nailed me. I am writing an application for a pretty amazing job at the moment, however I still don’t know what I am more afraid of, failing or succeeding. I think I have figured out my three big fears about success; change is the biggest one, If I get this job I would have to quit my other 2 jobs, I would have to shift a lot of my new normal. My second fear is not being good enough or what my housemate called impostor syndrome, I don’t think I am worthy for the role, or I have taken some kind of unfair shortcut. My third fear is a basic fear of the unknown, starting at the beginning again, being the new girl, not knowing anything ( I hate not knowing). I think I often beat myself up for not achieving more, I am here to create and take it all in, I haven’t done nearly enough… But I guess I also need to eat, which means there has to be a level of practicality.


The Lovers reversed can also indicate inner conflicts and being at war with yourself rather than with external forces. It suggests disharmony and difficulty in being able to balance your own inner union” 

So there may be some truth in this too… I think I am still struggling with the realisation that I want a relationship. I have been a happy lone wolf for sometime, forever really. I have now decided that I want more then casual sex, or a fling, or a hook up. I have decided… So now how do I find someone to love me? What is the next step? It doesn’t quite fit in my head. I will endeavour to be open to the world and to all the people, but I should probably more proactive, right? I think I have to quit Tinder because all it does is make me vain and boring and really is only good for sex… So if not there, where? I am a somewhat acquired taste, I am fat and loud and opinionated, I wear bright colours and am a BIG personality. I am also funny, passionate, loving, geeky, kind… ummm probably other good stuff, but who can say. I am also  struggling with the ‘Strong independent woman’ stuff too, “I don’t need no man!”which is true, but I want one, I don’t think that makes me weak… Soppy, stupid and vulnerable… but not weak.


Exhausted; happy day

I woke up to snow, easily the most magical thing to come from the sky. When I see snow I feel my heart get lighter, my inner child gets so excited and I just want to cry at the feeling. People here have mostly learnt to take snow for granted but for an Australian it’s so special. Snow and Squirrels still bring me such infantile joy, I am nearly embarrassed about how happy they make me, nearly.

I had brunch with a friend who I really like, he is a brilliant guy and I am grateful to have him in my life. We ate wonderful food and one of my favourite spots, and chatted for hours, about little and big stuff. I am such a fan of big talk, lets talk death, family and sex, all the good stuff. The other night my housemates friend came round and it was all BIG talk, which was brilliant, politics to feminism to relationships. He told me some pretty personal stuff and I felt comfortable to share some too. The first time I met this friend I thought he was nice enough, funny, but this time there was a little spark, maybe. I might be fishing for one however, I have been flirting up a storm lately, I really want to be with someone. I find it annoying because before YR I felt ok being alone, but he gave me a taste that I am not ready to let go of. Even part of my happy day today was flirting with the security guard in the chemist (also buying shiny makeup for my soul #payday)  Other happiness came from buying a really cheap and cute scarf, sometimes it’s the little things that can get you through a tough moment. I bought a book of Neil Gaiman’s a collection of short stories called Trigger Warning and had an interesting chat with the book shop lady about his writing, I shared my story of meeting him and how incredible he is.

I guess in a lot of ways I am pretty easy to please, a bit of snow, nice meal, a bargain, sharing fandom, good company and an innocent flirt. I may be exhausted now from all the smiling and chatting and loud exclaiming but being tired from too much happy is alright by me.

Take your scythe and get out!

I went to my work friend mums funeral today, she was only 65. It’s odd I used to think that was old but now both my grandmothers are older then that and I am pretty sure they agreed to live forever. I was so sad for my friend, she is such a brilliant person who has already had a pretty terrible time of life. She is also a great friend to me, when I was struggling with all my YR drama she was there with a sholder to cry on and a word of comfort… She also would remind me that all men a shit, she shared some really personal and terrible things that have happened to her with men. She and I were quick friends bonding on geeky stuff, Buffy and Star Wars ect. I wish I could have done more for her, she has to be strong for her dad and strong for her sons (though her oldest was doing a great job today). Funerals are just so rough, a few words is just not enough to sum up a life.

The only other funeral I’ve been to was my Great Grandmothers, she was 95 and lived the most out of life and it was still very sad. She left quite a crowd behind, many stories were told, my Granny played Liar Dice on her coffin, my Mum cried so much that my Great Aunt (Graunty)  went and held her up while she spoke. I remember being so angry that the my oldest Uncle didn’t come, it was such a family gathering, my Graunty came from Canada for crying out loud. We were all meant to be there to support my Granny and suddenly my oldest uncle didn’t care, the other 3 kids were there. I remember being so mad at him, I knew it might be hard for him to organise his wife and two kids, but I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just come himself.  I found out after the funeral that the day my Great Grandmother died (his Grandmother) my Uncle had found out that his wife had cancer… I was mad at someone who might lose the mother of his children, his love, she is no where near 95, it’s not right. My Aunt now has metastatic breast cancer, stage 4 cancer. Her kids, my wonderful cousins are only 11 and 13 years old.

This mortality thing is a bit bullshit I think… But then I see a baby, and think maybe thats how it’s meant to go right? Death to leave room for life…

I think I tend to struggle with the concept of mortality because I haven’t known much death. Which really means at 25 years old it is all ahead of me… I can barley fit the idea of my Grandmothers dying let alone my mother, luckily for me she is very young but my Aunt is younger and she’s dying. We sat at the back today, my other work friend who just turned 60 told me about the countless funerals she has been to, and how you know the people more and more and move closer to the front of the service. I don’t want that, I can barley attend a funeral of a stranger without crying.

My cousin at home has a credit card with a $3500.00 available on it in case of emergency, death or death bed flights home.

I am terrified for the day I have to use it.


Finally an end to this bloody saga!

YR (the boy) and I have definitively and maturely ended things tonight, once and fucking for all. I am actually feeling really good, which might be because of the break-up sex ( A+) but also because I feel this whole thing has been hanging over me for months now. I have known it’s not been right for so long now, but in such denial because he made me feel so good. I am very proud of myself, I said it out loud, it was my choice, my call. He was extremely nice, he apologised for all the shit that happened between us, for the last minute cancellations to the incident at his house. He knew he hurt me and he did seem to be genuinely sad about that. One aspect was hard to hear (even though I love being right) he confirmed that he never saw the relationship going anywhere. He was just not that into me! I was right and that hurts… He will always mean something to me, I will always care. I have learnt so much with him: what I want, what I don’t want, a glimpse of what it could be.  He was very sweet, and we had a good laugh. I’m going to say it ‘Best Break Up EVER!’

His parting message was “Never forget you’re a shiny rainbow person!”

My new housemate was shocked that I have never been in love, because I am such a happy go lucky, love person. I have always felt I have a lot of love to give, but not a lot of people lining up to take it or return it. Which is why my friends and family are showered in so much of it I guess. I have a history of quite strong and loving platonic relationships however; my high school best friend Tree and my current best friend at home Cass, it is pretty powerful love that I have felt for both of them and for a lot of my people. 

I want more, I want to be in love and I want to be loved, I want to feel all the feelings and be felt… Better a candle burn out fast then never burn at all (more wise words from YR the 21 year old 😛 )




I have avoiding being here, writing is a brilliant tool for processing life but I didn’t want to process, I wanted to wallow in it. I have been faced will a bit of failure lately and really struggling with it. A few art job opportunities  I didn’t get, maybe I wasn’t ready for them. I need to do more creatively otherwise I might as well go home. I don’t want to go home, I need to do more, I need to push myself.  Lately I have been incredibly self indulgent when it comes to self pity. It is just so much easier then doing the work, but it sometimes takes longer to get out of. I am trying to get through some of my procrastination, boy drama is one of them.

YR has been on the scene again even though I kinda felt like we had fizzled and I wasn’t even that upset about it. The last time I saw him was a really good night, so I was glad it didn’t end in that dramatic scene of him throwing me out of his house late at night so I didn’t disturb his sleep. It was a little concerning how ready I was to forgive him for all of that… I was about ready to let him go, when he reaches out with a bunch of apologies. It really threw me for a second, could it be different, maybe things have changed. I am grateful for my friends, who in that moment of conflict remind me of how low I was, of how many tears I wasted. I care too much about him, I still want to save him, save him from his spiraling. Even his friends are telling me that they are worried about him, partying too hard and too often… But I can’t, no one can, he has to make his own mistakes and make a choice to grow up and be more aware of other people and himself. Now that he is back in view it’s so hard not to let him in…

I took a random boy home the other night. It was so not the plan at all. I think it may also be the quickest turn around from meeting someone to them being in bed with me. We were at this party with a lot of YR’s friends, which was a bit odd, I get along with them pretty well. Then there was a couple people sharing a taxi towards my house, so I jumped at the opportunity. I chatted to the guys for about 10 minutes before the the car arrived, one of them, lets call him Barbados I’d noticed at the party. He was cute with fun facial hair, glasses and a leather jacket. We get in the car and get to chatting, I am not sure what it was about. He then tells his pal that he’ll jump out with me and just walk home, his friend really tries to talk him out of it but Barbados knew what he wanted. I didn’t, I can sometimes be pretty clueless about these kind of things, I am often in disbelief about guys attraction to me ( Hello low self esteem). He walks me to my door and suddenly we’re kissing, then we are upstairs in my bed… We were quite drunk so not that much even happened. I will say he was an excellent kisser, funny and had a lot of good chat. Negatives were his hands, and nails (ouch), It was very rough and ready and I was drunk and polite so I didn’t handle the situation very well. I also had a ‘whore-ish’ feeling at moments, which was a bit nasty. I missed YR in those moments, he was always so focused on mutual pleasure, and aware of me. I guess I took that for granted. I also don’t really like strangers touching me, which is something I have to work on, because then people think I don’t like certain things…. I do, but not straight away and not like that… Overall it was still a positive experience and helped some of my insecurities.

My other distracting hobby at the moment is crushing on unattainable men. I went to drinks with my house-mate and his friend the other night. I am harbouring a big crush on this guy, he is smart, funny, ethically minded, works in a helping people industry, and built like a beautiful brick wall (so my type). However in a serious relationship, I don’t really know her so I don’t feel super bad about the crush. Then she also comes to drinks which makes it a bit awkward because my house-mate had stepped out for a smoke when she came to join us, at that moment it felt like we had been sprung on a date. Well that’s what I felt, I am sure he didn’t feel that way at all. He is just one of those all round decent guys, who seems like the whole package to me. I am unsure if these are helpful or unhelpful distractions yet, they help me not think about YR which is good. However I also sometimes use them as a weapon against myself, “Well they would never like someone like you” “They already found a better person to be with” Hmmm I don’t know. I also run scenarios in my head of my crushes breaking up with their partners and comforting them… I mean sometimes it’s a little messed up.

Sorry that was a bit of a tangent…




Sometimes I think my fear of success is stronger then my fear of failure. Today I had an interview for an incredible creative opportunity. It is a dream job, doing what I love and getting paid really well for it. However already I am afraid that if I get it how I will struggle to juggle my other job. I am so afraid of losing the little stability I have, this is a classic Jas move, clinging to the safety net. Worst case scenario I have to quit my job. I wasn’t meant to settle into a job, but I gravitated to it. This new opportunity is why I moved to the other side of the world, I shouldn’t be worried about actually getting it. Hmmm that’s my other worry, what If I get this new gig and I am terrible? What if I say I can do it all but I can’t, I’m just me. My logical brain tells me that I can do it and if anything a challenge is best for me. This job might just lead to more and more paid creative gigs #thedream!!

Speaking about fear I spoke openly and effortlessly about my mental health issues and eating disorder today. Even a year ago I would have struggled to speak about that kind of stuff. I think I have been pretty afraid of acknowledging it at all, I like people to think that I am too hardcore for mental illness. I also don’t like justifying that eating disorders don’t just mean not eating…  However my friend who I shared this with has been very open with me about her issues. I liked that I could let her know and not in a “Call the doctor” way but in a casual “I had a bad day” way. I felt safe and actually lighter just letting someone in and even having a joke about it.

What my mental health sometimes looks like = I sometimes get in a low place and unconsciously and sometimes consciously eat/binge to distract myself or to try and change the darkness, or to prove to myself how disgusting I am ( I don’t normally think this about myself however in dark times). I haven’t done it in a good long while, maybe since I’ve been here.

I was listing to a podcast the other day and they were discussing how if you don’t use your creative energy it turns into destructive energy. Create and destroy being different sides of the same coin. As a concept it makes sense to me and may have contributed to my bad day. I also got a bit home sick this week which also may have compounded the situation.

I need to make sure I am writing here at least once a week, because even if this is all I do creatively I think it really helps, It’s a brilliant outlet for a lot of my internal nonsense.

A little Crush

“It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush”

I have said this so many time but rarely meant it… I often have crushes on unattainable guys, when I was teenager that included everyone but normally older guys. I performed in a play when I was 14 and had the biggest crush on an 18 year old in the show. Age was the main reason we could never be a thing… he might have really liked me but knew it was wrong so couldn’t do anything. At an after party he offered me his jacket with this prefix “As long as you don’t think this is a romantic gesture or anything”. Which naturally I over analysed completely, because he said the word romantic in regards to me. I kept the jacket shirt thing, washed hung it up on the clothes rail only for my Mum to notice and asked my point blank if I was ‘Sweet on him’  I remember being so embarrassed I thought I would explode, I denied everything. Clearly  “The lady doth protest too much”. We went to a party together, well not together, I said I could wait for him at the station and we could go together. I made my friend spend all afternoon making me a pretty fairy, it was a fairy party. I waiting for him for a hour. Then we had to wait for a train transfer for nearly another hour and he drew a long ivy band all up my arm with a tattoo marker we found on the train. We listened to Avenue Q together sharing headphones, I felt like a pretty girl in the beginning of a Rom Com, not fat or ugly like I normally felt. Because we were so late to the party I was only there for about a hour before my Mum picked me up. Still it was an incredible night, A+ crush night.

Is it my love of fantasy or stories?

You crush on the unattainable but one day, against all odds and defying everything he picks you?!

I mixed unattainable in dating a little too much, I have slept with more then one unavailable guy. Again it means if it doesn’t work or he leaves it’s not that he doesn’t like you, he was never free for you. I have since learnt that being someones mistress is not as fun as it sounds. You get resigned to coming second place, every damn time. You even get used to being less important then everyone else, and feeling lucky that he found the time to even see you.  I’d now like to quote Marina and the Diamonds Staring Role:

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart
You know I’d rather walk alone
Than play a supporting role
If I can’t get the starring role

I know all of this and yet I have a crush, and If I think I could be happy as his mistress. I know I couldn’t really,  he is in a 12 year relationship which is not something I could really be involved with, they sleep in separate beds, which shouldn’t change anything. Also I know that you can’t trust someone who cheats on their partner, just because it’s with me it doesn’t make him a great guy. I can’t just say “Well he’s different with me” Also if he cheated would he still be the guy that I like? I love his loyalty. I love a lot of things about him… I mean like, It’s just a crush, don’t make it a thing. He makes me promise to message him that I get home safe, I mean I am only human 😛  We flirt a little, it’s innocent and he is a natural flirt anyway, I’m nothing special. He does send me bed snap chats, which I have been told might be a thing… My friends keep joking about it and saying that we would be cute together, but It’s really nothing. We are just friends and I hope to be good friends as he is a great guy… It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush.