A little Crush

“It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush”

I have said this so many time but rarely meant it… I often have crushes on unattainable guys, when I was teenager that included everyone but normally older guys. I performed in a play when I was 14 and had the biggest crush on an 18 year old in the show. Age was the main reason we could never be a thing… he might have really liked me but knew it was wrong so couldn’t do anything. At an after party he offered me his jacket with this prefix “As long as you don’t think this is a romantic gesture or anything”. Which naturally I over analysed completely, because he said the word romantic in regards to me. I kept the jacket shirt thing, washed hung it up on the clothes rail only for my Mum to notice and asked my point blank if I was ‘Sweet on him’  I remember being so embarrassed I thought I would explode, I denied everything. Clearly  “The lady doth protest too much”. We went to a party together, well not together, I said I could wait for him at the station and we could go together. I made my friend spend all afternoon making me a pretty fairy, it was a fairy party. I waiting for him for a hour. Then we had to wait for a train transfer for nearly another hour and he drew a long ivy band all up my arm with a tattoo marker we found on the train. We listened to Avenue Q together sharing headphones, I felt like a pretty girl in the beginning of a Rom Com, not fat or ugly like I normally felt. Because we were so late to the party I was only there for about a hour before my Mum picked me up. Still it was an incredible night, A+ crush night.

Is it my love of fantasy or stories?

You crush on the unattainable but one day, against all odds and defying everything he picks you?!

I mixed unattainable in dating a little too much, I have slept with more then one unavailable guy. Again it means if it doesn’t work or he leaves it’s not that he doesn’t like you, he was never free for you. I have since learnt that being someones mistress is not as fun as it sounds. You get resigned to coming second place, every damn time. You even get used to being less important then everyone else, and feeling lucky that he found the time to even see you.  I’d now like to quote Marina and the Diamonds Staring Role:

It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart
You know I’d rather walk alone
Than play a supporting role
If I can’t get the starring role

I know all of this and yet I have a crush, and If I think I could be happy as his mistress. I know I couldn’t really,  he is in a 12 year relationship which is not something I could really be involved with, they sleep in separate beds, which shouldn’t change anything. Also I know that you can’t trust someone who cheats on their partner, just because it’s with me it doesn’t make him a great guy. I can’t just say “Well he’s different with me” Also if he cheated would he still be the guy that I like? I love his loyalty. I love a lot of things about him… I mean like, It’s just a crush, don’t make it a thing. He makes me promise to message him that I get home safe, I mean I am only human 😛  We flirt a little, it’s innocent and he is a natural flirt anyway, I’m nothing special. He does send me bed snap chats, which I have been told might be a thing… My friends keep joking about it and saying that we would be cute together, but It’s really nothing. We are just friends and I hope to be good friends as he is a great guy… It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Respect

I have been thinking about the importance of respect lately, I mean Atretha sang about it for a reason.  I got in a discussion with my housemate the other day, we often don’t agree on things, sometimes I think she just likes to be obstinate, but sometimes I am happy for a debate. We have been watching the same TV show and I shared a moment that I thought the show did terribly. Basic premise, Mum sleeps with teenage daughters teacher, she didn’t know that her daughter also had a crush on said teacher. My annoyance is that the show seems to make out that the teenager is overeating, that her feelings are inappropriate and two consenting adults can do what they like. I explained to my housemate that I thought it was a terrible parent move to date and sleep with your kids teacher, how can you not think about how this might effect them? My housemate disagreed and thought that it’s hard to find people to connect with and that was worth more then a stupid teenage crush. This made me mad for a second, I could not understand how someone could be so selfish and not respect their own child. Then I got sad because it really just sounded like my housemate wanted love and didn’t care who she effected to get it, even a fictional daughter. I often find myself grateful for my childhood, I mean it was crazy a lot of the time, but my mother and my whole family is really good at treating kids and teenagers like people, mutual respect. There is a similar story line in Gilmore Girls, where the mum is hyper aware of how a relationship would effect her daughter, nothing about a crush but how it would effect her education and day to day school life, she respected her daughter and her right to a problem free education.

I think maybe I get upset at the idea of a parent choosing sex or a partner over the welfare of their child. Which logically comes from my father picking his wife over me, he was asked to choose and he chose her. I used to hate it when Mum would date, terrified that she would leave me too… I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just be happy with just us,  why wasn’t I enough?  I think I have more understanding now, I get the importance of in my case male attention,  but my fierce loyalty runs deep and if I had to choose to be celibate for all my family I wouldn’t have to think about it. Maybe it is more about loyalty then respect, maybe it’s a mixture.

Self respect is something else I learnt from my mum, sometimes I learnt how not to do it. She is the most powerful, loud, unapologetic, empowered feminist I know… well until a guy calls her pretty. I watched my strong, colourful, passionate mother shrink to within an inch of her life. I remember once describing her as an incredible HD wide screen TV, the older guy she was dating was a tiny old black and white TV radio. He didn’t know how to grow, so she shrank, she lessened herself to his level. I was 16 and I saw it all, I tried to tell her, to warn her, to throw her a rope. But all of her own daddy issues were exposed in this relationship, with an old man who said nice things to her. I couldn’t replace that for her, I couldn’t make her see, I couldn’t help her.  He finally broke it off, she didn’t have the self respect to do it herself. She crawled into my bed at 6am crying, telling me it was finally over, I couldn’t help but be pleased, she could heal and get her mojo back. Soon enough she was with someone else he was a better fit, but still not right, he left his own family which is a cardinal sin in ours. He was verbally aggressive when he drank and he needed a drink every day. He had chronic pain, so he would get cranky but at least it meant he needed her. She jumped through hoops for his happiness, “Give him what he wants and maybe he’ll stay” I remember seeing little moments, moments where she gave herself away, until she was a shell. Again he ended it, because she couldn’t, she is a fixer not a quitter. At what point does self respect have to win?

I used to fear that I would be my mother, mostly for reasons I don’t care about anymore, however losing myself for a man is still one of them. I watched her lose integrity, purpose and identity. I don’t want to drop everything because a guy calls me pretty. I want value my self respect, I need my 16 year old self to be proud of me, I have to be able to look at myself in the eye. I don’t think he respects me… even how he is in my room, he left the other night with beer cans all over the floor, he used my oil burner as an ashtray. He doesn’t respect my feelings or my experience. Even though I am loud, and passionate and fat, I still deserve respect. I can’t just wait for him to end it, I have to ask for what I want and if he can’t give it to me then I have to say goodbye.

“If you ain’t got respect, you ain’t got anything” – Granny Weatherwax… I didn’t think this applied to how I treat myself.

Advice

I have been given a mountain of advice lately, when you have boy drama people are ready with a kind or sometimes harsh word. I am guilty of being a first in line to give my friends life advice.

Most of the feed back has been on the lines of:

“Let him go”

“Kick him to the curb”

“Move on

“You deserve better”

This is making the assumption that this is a nice black and white situation, but all I feel is grey.

 

Words of attempted comfort include:

“I want to say there are plenty more fish in the sea, but most of them are dicks too”

“Boys are terrible they always think they can do better” (He can probably do better, but generally only my inner voice says that)

“Yeah you’re bigger, but there are plenty of guys who are into that….”

“I mean what did you expect from a 21 year old party boy?”

A bit nicer yet still not sure how helpful:

“His loss, he doesn’t know what he is missing”

“He likes you this much ——– But there is someone out there who will like you this much ————————————————————————- so don’t settle because you’re afraid”

“If you let him get away with this he will keep treating you badly because now he thinks it’s ok”

I would probably give the same advise:

“Cut it off now, heal and get back out there and move on”

“Have some self respect gurl!”

“No one is worth feeling like this”

“NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR POWER”

“You are beautiful and deserve the whole world”

Then some songs, it’s like every song is about my situation:

“And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him” – Dua Lipa (This came on in the taxi we were both in the other morning, It was hard not to laugh at the blatant irony)

Basically every song from Marina and the Diamonds speaks to me eg.

“Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control
‘Cause really, I adore you, and I can’t leave you alone
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong
Come on, baby, let’s just, get drunk, forget we don’t get on”

“You’re too proud to say that you’ve made a mistake
You’re a coward ’til the end
I don’t wanna admit, but we’re not gonna fit
No, I’m not the type that you like
Why don’t we just pretend?”

“You only ever touch me 
In the dark
Only if we’re drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening could you give yourself to me”

One of my friends who knows all the in’s and out of this ‘relationship’ laid out my options in her opinion:

  1. Accept that this is all he is capable of, that he will continue to be selfish. Nothing will change for your foreseeable relationship.
  2. You can dump him on his ass and try to deal with the heartache.

The first option might make you feel safer but you’ll keep going round in frustrating circles. If you chose the second option the pain will pass and eventually you will feel that empowerment again but it will take time.  God she is wise, out of all the advise I have enlisted this is the realest and hardest to hear.

Where does this leave me? I just feel sad, and dark. I have tried distraction, talking to other boys, innocent flirting with work mates, it helps for a little while. But I still want him, I want him to want me. I like to think that maybe I can just pull myself back, maybe just fuck him from time to time and not live in hope that he will suddenly care about me. Maybe I can disconnect, normally it’s easy. I have slept with 13 people and only really liked 3 of them and he is at the top of that list. Maybe I just miss the sex? My friends used to say if I ever had really good sex I would become an addict. I read a definition of addiction the other day that was “Continuously doing something  for pleasure even though you know it’s going to hurt you” So maybe I am addicted, to feeling pretty, to being touched, to being kissed, to feeling desired, to being seen, even for a little while. Even though I know better now, he’ll be late, he’ll cancel, he’ll not reply, he will make me feel crazy, he’ll make me feel small, he’ll disregard me.

Fool me twice… Shame on me I guess.

 

 

Opera

For just over a week I worked on an Opera, I was an Assistant Stage Manager for a whole week. It was one of the hardest and most rewarding weeks of my life. I was so grateful for the experience and for the reminder, this is what I want to do with my life. I want to work together with a team of creatives and make something worthwhile. The curtain goes up, there is nothing more thrilling then that curtain. Live or die the show goes on, so you best hope you’ve got the nerve. I met some incredible people, some truly talented people, some hilarious people and some god awful people, takes all sorts to make a world and an Opera apparently.

I felt amazing, like I was meant to be, being a stage manager feels like being a Discworld Witch, not always glamorous but you get the job done one way or another, you don’t do it for praise or recognition, you do the job that’s in front of you because it has to be done. If you are really good at it people wont even know you were there. But you leave a mark still, a word of encouragement here a sholder to cry on there, a creative solution to every problem.

I felt so at home. I made lists and swept, listened to grievances and rants, I was a smile in a stressful room, a joke in a tense moment, logic in a storm.

I am the most me when I’m in a theatre, i feel real.

I am good at my job and I love it. I am a Stage Manager and I will continue to work at it, I want my whole life to be in this theatre I want that feeling to stay. I want to belong and be needed and be helpful and be rational and listen and create and learn. This week was one of the best in my whole life, even when it was hard or frustrating I was still where I was meant to be. I fit. It’s about people, these were my people, kind, talented, funny and generous. It’s about telling a story well, telling an important story, using this platform to share.

I was so consumed in this week, I let everything else go… Jobs, money, stress, boys or a boy. I was only for the Opera and the Opera was for me, no time for other drama. Now it’s over a lot of it is caving back into me, which hurts, I wasn’t healed just distracted. I am still sad, deeply low.  But I know now, I know that my dream is something that I am good at, something I can achieve, this ball is rolling and I wont miss my chance. Boys may come and go, (probably just go) but I have to keep trying to do the work and try to stay open to the possibilities. I can’t let this drown me, I am a fighter and I am strong. I will love and be loved, even if that is just by my beautiful friends. I will hope and strive and live big, always. I am so grateful, I know my path… I just need to learn how to walk it.

Fading

He left his marks
I revel in them
I can still feel him
A dull ache he’s here
A slight twinge I’m in his arms
A wince of pain I’m his
A bruise a moment a bite
My body
My heart
He left his mark

It’s fading

 

We all have a story

It’s been hard of late, we have not been seeing each other much. No ones fault just different types of work for us both. 2 weeks here, 3 weeks there. We are not brilliant at communicating when away, I often feel like it’s out of sight out of mind. Or worse making plans that we both know are not gonna happen, but it’s fun to dream I guess. It’s hard enough to plan a basic date, or just get him to my house for sex, let alone a camping trip. I would love to believe it all, buy into his story, I’m sure he likes the idea, but follow through is generally too hard.

I’m sure we have different stories of this week.

Here’s Mine:

He finally asked me over, his family was away so we would have the house to ourselves. I was so excited, mainly because it’d been 3 weeks since I’d seen him. We had all this weirdness last week that I wanted to sort it. I also planned to have the “dating other people” talk, check in about Ginger and if he is seeing other people, sexual health blah. I knew he would have to get up early so I had all these morning plans, mainly sex and breakfast, I had set my alarm.  I packed my little bag, and got a lot of sass from my work mates “oooohhhh a sleep over huh?”. I planned to come straight from work but he asked me to come a bit later, so he could ‘tidy’ (translation, get high and play video games). I killed time, get a bit lost and ended up on his door. It was lovely, easy, low key, and sweet. We had dinner watched TV. Then we fucked. He fell asleep right after, taking away my favourite part of sex, the pillow talk. I knew he was tired, but it was 9:30 so I wasn’t, I pottered a bit, tidied a little, just played on my phone, fixed my face. His phone rang at 10:40, I knew he was expecting it so I woke him to answer it. I heard the caller ask “Do you have a bird there” and he replied with a cheeky “Maybe“, that felt nice… He got up and went straight down stairs not really acknowledging me at all. Once this stranger left he returned but was somewhat short with me. He tried to wake himself up, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know I didn’t mind if he slept. He didn’t like the idea of me in his house while he slept apparently, and here’s me thinking we were way beyond that. Maybe I shouldn’t of tidied, maybe I shouldn’t asked for the wifi password, maybe I could have just said I would sleep… Maybe. He then cut me by saying “Maybe you would sleep better in your own bed?” I tried to defuse the situation by jokingly saying “Are you kicking me out?”  He added that if I stayed he would sleep badly and be grumpy in the morning,  I mentioned that he seemed pretty grumpy already… I then pleaded, I’m not proud of this but I didn’t know what else to do, I asked him not to do this, not make a big deal, just go to sleep. “I can get you money for a taxi” That’s the moment I snapped. I am not a whore, who you sleep with then pay to leave. I will not stay somewhere that I am not wanted. I told him not to bother, and I ran downstairs and burst into tears. I have never felt so low, this moment solidified all my insecurities my fears were all founded. If my life was a movie he would have heard me cry, realised what he’d done and come downstairs, he would have held me and apologised saying he didn’t want to hurt me he was just not thinking straight he was still half asleep. Sadly my life is not a movie. He let me go out into a unknown town, late at night, upset and alone, oh wait he didn’t let me go, he made me go. Right at that moment my friend texted me checking in, I called her and cried and just spoke to her so I wasn’t all alone in the darkness. I missed all the last buses and walked for a long time, I couldn’t get my internet to find me a taxi. There was no sign of anyone, I had walked into my own personal nightmare, rejected in a seemingly abandoned small town too far from home. My friend offered to come pick me up, even though he lived 30 minutes away, he wanted me to make sure I was safe, at least someone did. I finally found a ride. I got home, late, exhausted from walking and crying. My housemate came to check on me, she knew straight away that something must of gone wrong for me to be home. I just sobbed in her arms. I was so distraught from the evening, that’s when the second wave hit me, this might be the actual end, the final moments of ‘us’. She said I’d probably forgive him the next day when he would probably call and apologise and make more promises to make it up to me. I couldn’t sleep, I was too upset I just tossed and turned till the wee hours.

 

Here is his story as I can only assume:

Ahh is she coming tonight? I just want to sit in my house and enjoy some alone time, meaning getting high and playing games. Maybe I can deter her by pushing back the time and reminding her we can’t have a big night. Damn she still seems to be coming, beer will help I’ll get her to bring that. I guess it’s not too bad when she is here. I’ll order some nice food. Bit of hot an heavy all good so far. Sex sure does make me sleepy. Ahh why is my phone ringing, why is she looking at me. What has she been doing while I’ve been asleep, why does she want my wifi password, does she think she’s moving in? This is too much, I wont be able to sleep with her like this. I need to sleep, I can’t handle this drama, is she still talking?  She needs to go, I have the right to sleep in my own bed, god she is overeating. I offered to pay for a taxi, I’m did the right thing for sure. She is just storming away now, drama queen. Can I hear her crying? Too hard. ASLEEP. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Everyone has there own narrative, he thinks he was the good guy because he offered to pay for a taxi, not thinking that maybe the good guy thing was to suck it up and go to sleep next to me. To avoid me feeling used and unwanted and possible putting me in danger late at night. His story is also much shorter because he was asleep for most of it, I had to kill time, while he napped, then a huge journey home, while he was fast asleep.

Both these stories are true, for the given value of truth.

 

 

 

Drunk Hearts speak Sober minds

I drunk messaged him.

He told me today that Drunk hearts speak Sober minds which is beautifully accurate.

We had a bit of the talk, about my insecurities and feeling on different pages. Well I said some of it, I am extremely hungover and felt like a raw piece of meat being tenderized, or another analogy that is gross and vulnerable.

“In my eyes we are two balloons tied together gently bobbing along on a summers breeze where will it go who cares let’s just enjoy the ride”

Maybe I should be happy that at least we are tied together, not just balloons who are just near each other.

He was nice to me today, and he seemed to care that I was distressed. But I still apologised for saying what I felt, something to work on there.

Maybe I should try to just be a happy bobbing balloon for a bit… It might even be better, If I’m honest with myself I need to focus on the dream. I need to put career and creating  first and boys second or even third. If I’m more honest, I’d like to share all that with someone…