“It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush”
I have said this so many time but rarely meant it… I often have crushes on unattainable guys, when I was teenager that included everyone but normally older guys. I performed in a play when I was 14 and had the biggest crush on an 18 year old in the show. Age was the main reason we could never be a thing… he might have really liked me but knew it was wrong so couldn’t do anything. At an after party he offered me his jacket with this prefix “As long as you don’t think this is a romantic gesture or anything”. Which naturally I over analysed completely, because he said the word romantic in regards to me. I kept the jacket shirt thing, washed hung it up on the clothes rail only for my Mum to notice and asked my point blank if I was ‘Sweet on him’ I remember being so embarrassed I thought I would explode, I denied everything. Clearly “The lady doth protest too much”. We went to a party together, well not together, I said I could wait for him at the station and we could go together. I made my friend spend all afternoon making me a pretty fairy, it was a fairy party. I waiting for him for a hour. Then we had to wait for a train transfer for nearly another hour and he drew a long ivy band all up my arm with a tattoo marker we found on the train. We listened to Avenue Q together sharing headphones, I felt like a pretty girl in the beginning of a Rom Com, not fat or ugly like I normally felt. Because we were so late to the party I was only there for about a hour before my Mum picked me up. Still it was an incredible night, A+ crush night.
Is it my love of fantasy or stories?
You crush on the unattainable but one day, against all odds and defying everything he picks you?!
I mixed unattainable in dating a little too much, I have slept with more then one unavailable guy. Again it means if it doesn’t work or he leaves it’s not that he doesn’t like you, he was never free for you. I have since learnt that being someones mistress is not as fun as it sounds. You get resigned to coming second place, every damn time. You even get used to being less important then everyone else, and feeling lucky that he found the time to even see you. I’d now like to quote Marina and the Diamonds Staring Role:
It almost feels like a joke to play out the part
When you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart
You know I’d rather walk alone
Than play a supporting role
If I can’t get the starring role
I know all of this and yet I have a crush, and If I think I could be happy as his mistress. I know I couldn’t really, he is in a 12 year relationship which is not something I could really be involved with, they sleep in separate beds, which shouldn’t change anything. Also I know that you can’t trust someone who cheats on their partner, just because it’s with me it doesn’t make him a great guy. I can’t just say “Well he’s different with me” Also if he cheated would he still be the guy that I like? I love his loyalty. I love a lot of things about him… I mean like, It’s just a crush, don’t make it a thing. He makes me promise to message him that I get home safe, I mean I am only human 😛 We flirt a little, it’s innocent and he is a natural flirt anyway, I’m nothing special. He does send me bed snap chats, which I have been told might be a thing… My friends keep joking about it and saying that we would be cute together, but It’s really nothing. We are just friends and I hope to be good friends as he is a great guy… It’s not a big deal, it’s just a little crush.