When I was 10 I was so angry at my mother, I believe it was because she didn’t buy me a Yowie (like an Australian Kinder Surprise). I was outraged at the injustice of it all, as my friend got to have one. I was also sad for not getting the chocolate and toy, frustrated that we were always so poor, and embarrassed about how my mum had handled it in front of my friends. All this combined left me in fiery rage, I wouldn’t get back in the car with her and started walking towards home ( a 30 minute drive away) I climbed this massive hill in our town that other days you couldn’t pay me to walk up. My fury gave me such energy and will to go on, my stubbornness knew no bounds. Part of me even hoping something bad would happen to me, something that would hurt my mother and really teach her a lesson, hit by a car or bitten by a snake as it was a hot day in the country, something. There have been other times where I have seen anger move myself and others in such powerful and often stupid ways, it’s been a while since I have been on such a rampage… Yesterday was one of those days.
Friday night we were both drunk and in our separate beds… things got intense, but extremely interesting and a little exciting. I was suddenly so eager to see him the next night and he seemed so too. Saturday afternoon comes around and for reasons still unknown but assumed he asks to reschedule to the Sunday morning. He couldn’t really come up with a good excuse or answer a damn question and kept pushing his solution “I’ll be there first thing in the morning” I was actually so disappointed and confused it hurt. Just the day before I was feeling more confident in whatever we are, then in one fowl swoop I felt so lost. I was with my friends so I played the anger card, but really I wanted to cry, he had proven again that he just didn’t give a fuck. I was sad all night and actually did cry a little it was such a hammer to my self esteem. I finally replied and he vaguely acknowledged the issue with a Sorry. The next morning I check in, and he now couldn’t that morning either, shock fucking horror!
That’s when something snapped in me, I was not going to be the girl who wasted her weekend over a guy who obviously doesn’t give a damn about her. I was ready to fight back with a vengeance, I haven’t been so angry in years, I was angry at him, but I was more angry at myself for letting him in. I was angry at the prospect of being that ‘girl’ or turning into a shell like my mother with men, I was so angry for selling myself so short. I decided I needed a lot of male attention, in what capacity I didn’t even care, I texted my male friends to hang out. Tinder was failing me but then I found a good prospect on Craigslist, a cute ginger guy who wanted some NSA fun with a BBW (That’s what I am) For a good part of the day I was set on having sex with a stranger. I even messaged a guy that has a fat fetish that I used to talk to months ago who kind of unsettled me, but I knew he found me attractive… I haven’t changed since I was 10 years old, I kinda wanted to get hurt by a stranger, to hurt him, which is ridiculous on many levels, you can’t make someone else feel guilt, also putting myself in danger is just stupid, but I didn’t care.
My work Friends invited me out, part of me unconsciously dressed to impress, face on point and boobs out and loud. But it was more then how I looked, I walked with such purpose and when I got to the bar I hadn’t had so much attention in my life. I guess it’s true what they say, attitude is everything. My male friend ( not part of my work group) came to the bar because I asked him, it was that easy. We had a really good chat about all of the above, and I even admitted that I invited him out to get some male attention, which he was actually pretty cool about. He played devils advocate, “Maybe he does like you but there is other stuff going on. Maybe he is just insecure. Maybe there was a family emergency. Maybe he had a good reason” Then I told him that he was 21 and he said “Well no wonder he is a flaky little shit, you really should be dating someone older, much older because you are so mature and grown” This reflected the message from most of my friends, “You deserve better, you are worthy of time, you have value” But this is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a real relationship, and god when he is there I feel amazing… What if takes me another 24 years to find that again?? My friend left and as I was going to hang with the rest of my work crew when I met my American, we just chatting in passing then he asked if he could buy me a drink and talk for a while. I was definitely putting out all the right vibes, I tell ya if you want to get laid got to a packed bar mad as hell. We chatted and flirted and kissed and when he left to get me a drink a friend of his friend was suddenly desperate for my attention and we did some poppers together, he was cute and Irish. I was the center of this table of strangers. I should have loved that feeling, but it felt bitter sweet, It felt amazing to be showered with attention and affection but it was also hollow. My work friends moved venue, I kissed my American and left. He followed me… We danced, he span me round and round then brought me in tight. It was suddenly so intimate I felt uncomfortable being in public. It was fun but a part of me couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be there with HIM instead, would he twirl and kiss me in the middle of crowded place? Probably, the night we met he kissed me in front basically an audience. For a night that was meant to be pure defiance I ended up feeling a little guilty, which is ridiculous because we are NON exclusive I wasn’t cheating on anyone. My American asked me back to his hotel, I declined saying I needed to be with my friends, he was disappointed but said it was probably for the best as I was far too young and innocent for him. I was the young one!! I didn’t realize but having the option of sex with a stranger was kinda of better then having sex with stranger. I made my point to myself and broadly to him, I am attractive, I have worth, I am not to be taken for granted, I have options!
My friend was cutely proud of me, “You just went out and got yours! You just did it, you made it look so easy! FUCK him!” She was so sweet I felt like I couldn’t tell her that part of me was liberated and the other part just wished I wasn’t there at all, I wised that he had just shown up….