Fading

He left his marks
I revel in them
I can still feel him
A dull ache he’s here
A slight twinge I’m in his arms
A wince of pain I’m his
A bruise a moment a bite
My body
My heart
He left his mark

It’s fading

 

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We all have a story

It’s been hard of late, we have not been seeing each other much. No ones fault just different types of work for us both. 2 weeks here, 3 weeks there. We are not brilliant at communicating when away, I often feel like it’s out of sight out of mind. Or worse making plans that we both know are not gonna happen, but it’s fun to dream I guess. It’s hard enough to plan a basic date, or just get him to my house for sex, let alone a camping trip. I would love to believe it all, buy into his story, I’m sure he likes the idea, but follow through is generally too hard.

I’m sure we have different stories of this week.

Here’s Mine:

He finally asked me over, his family was away so we would have the house to ourselves. I was so excited, mainly because it’d been 3 weeks since I’d seen him. We had all this weirdness last week that I wanted to sort it. I also planned to have the “dating other people” talk, check in about Ginger and if he is seeing other people, sexual health blah. I knew he would have to get up early so I had all these morning plans, mainly sex and breakfast, I had set my alarm.  I packed my little bag, and got a lot of sass from my work mates “oooohhhh a sleep over huh?”. I planned to come straight from work but he asked me to come a bit later, so he could ‘tidy’ (translation, get high and play video games). I killed time, get a bit lost and ended up on his door. It was lovely, easy, low key, and sweet. We had dinner watched TV. Then we fucked. He fell asleep right after, taking away my favourite part of sex, the pillow talk. I knew he was tired, but it was 9:30 so I wasn’t, I pottered a bit, tidied a little, just played on my phone, fixed my face. His phone rang at 10:40, I knew he was expecting it so I woke him to answer it. I heard the caller ask “Do you have a bird there” and he replied with a cheeky “Maybe“, that felt nice… He got up and went straight down stairs not really acknowledging me at all. Once this stranger left he returned but was somewhat short with me. He tried to wake himself up, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know I didn’t mind if he slept. He didn’t like the idea of me in his house while he slept apparently, and here’s me thinking we were way beyond that. Maybe I shouldn’t of tidied, maybe I shouldn’t asked for the wifi password, maybe I could have just said I would sleep… Maybe. He then cut me by saying “Maybe you would sleep better in your own bed?” I tried to defuse the situation by jokingly saying “Are you kicking me out?”  He added that if I stayed he would sleep badly and be grumpy in the morning,  I mentioned that he seemed pretty grumpy already… I then pleaded, I’m not proud of this but I didn’t know what else to do, I asked him not to do this, not make a big deal, just go to sleep. “I can get you money for a taxi” That’s the moment I snapped. I am not a whore, who you sleep with then pay to leave. I will not stay somewhere that I am not wanted. I told him not to bother, and I ran downstairs and burst into tears. I have never felt so low, this moment solidified all my insecurities my fears were all founded. If my life was a movie he would have heard me cry, realised what he’d done and come downstairs, he would have held me and apologised saying he didn’t want to hurt me he was just not thinking straight he was still half asleep. Sadly my life is not a movie. He let me go out into a unknown town, late at night, upset and alone, oh wait he didn’t let me go, he made me go. Right at that moment my friend texted me checking in, I called her and cried and just spoke to her so I wasn’t all alone in the darkness. I missed all the last buses and walked for a long time, I couldn’t get my internet to find me a taxi. There was no sign of anyone, I had walked into my own personal nightmare, rejected in a seemingly abandoned small town too far from home. My friend offered to come pick me up, even though he lived 30 minutes away, he wanted me to make sure I was safe, at least someone did. I finally found a ride. I got home, late, exhausted from walking and crying. My housemate came to check on me, she knew straight away that something must of gone wrong for me to be home. I just sobbed in her arms. I was so distraught from the evening, that’s when the second wave hit me, this might be the actual end, the final moments of ‘us’. She said I’d probably forgive him the next day when he would probably call and apologise and make more promises to make it up to me. I couldn’t sleep, I was too upset I just tossed and turned till the wee hours.

 

Here is his story as I can only assume:

Ahh is she coming tonight? I just want to sit in my house and enjoy some alone time, meaning getting high and playing games. Maybe I can deter her by pushing back the time and reminding her we can’t have a big night. Damn she still seems to be coming, beer will help I’ll get her to bring that. I guess it’s not too bad when she is here. I’ll order some nice food. Bit of hot an heavy all good so far. Sex sure does make me sleepy. Ahh why is my phone ringing, why is she looking at me. What has she been doing while I’ve been asleep, why does she want my wifi password, does she think she’s moving in? This is too much, I wont be able to sleep with her like this. I need to sleep, I can’t handle this drama, is she still talking?  She needs to go, I have the right to sleep in my own bed, god she is overeating. I offered to pay for a taxi, I’m did the right thing for sure. She is just storming away now, drama queen. Can I hear her crying? Too hard. ASLEEP. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Everyone has there own narrative, he thinks he was the good guy because he offered to pay for a taxi, not thinking that maybe the good guy thing was to suck it up and go to sleep next to me. To avoid me feeling used and unwanted and possible putting me in danger late at night. His story is also much shorter because he was asleep for most of it, I had to kill time, while he napped, then a huge journey home, while he was fast asleep.

Both these stories are true, for the given value of truth.

 

 

 

Drunk Hearts speak Sober minds

I drunk messaged him.

He told me today that Drunk hearts speak Sober minds which is beautifully accurate.

We had a bit of the talk, about my insecurities and feeling on different pages. Well I said some of it, I am extremely hungover and felt like a raw piece of meat being tenderized, or another analogy that is gross and vulnerable.

“In my eyes we are two balloons tied together gently bobbing along on a summers breeze where will it go who cares let’s just enjoy the ride”

Maybe I should be happy that at least we are tied together, not just balloons who are just near each other.

He was nice to me today, and he seemed to care that I was distressed. But I still apologised for saying what I felt, something to work on there.

Maybe I should try to just be a happy bobbing balloon for a bit… It might even be better, If I’m honest with myself I need to focus on the dream. I need to put career and creating  first and boys second or even third. If I’m more honest, I’d like to share all that with someone…

 

Let go…

I saw Ginger today, and it was pretty nice. I told him I was seeing YR non exclusively just to keep everything transparent. He then told me he was married. Separated for some time and they live apart. He was surprised at my reaction…. He told me he was separated and I ‘awwed’ and hugged him tight. The whole thing just made me sad. I felt bad for him and this whole situation. On a selfish level it was a helpful revelation, this was him letting me know he is not that guy.  I have been doing my normal, “Where will holiday?” “I guess I’ll move into to his place, that would make the most sense”. I am grateful for some reality and letting it all set in.

I am feeling a bit disenfranchised by the whole men situation, and the idea of relationships in general. I would like to go away with someone, tell someone about my day, share adventures with someone, be with someone… I guess I will just have to relearn how to do all those things alone, or with friends. Before I came here I barley had these wants or needs. But now in my new and shiny life or maybe it was turning 25 I now want more from people, more from life. But maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should go back to not needing anything external to myself. Stop wanting something that seems so unattainable.

I feel like this has just been a crazy stage in my life, I might be ready to let it all go. I need to focus on my work, my creativity, my friends, my adventures.

Pillars of Happiness

I feel like I have settled into myself recently, not completely of course but I generally feel good. When I chat to my oldest friend we sometimes go through the pillars of happiness to make sure we cover all the crucial life parts. So lets update here:

Work – My main job is pretty good, except for all the diet chat. 2nd job is fine, I’m much more confident these days which is nice. I fit better there now, it just took 6 months. I am working on an Opera at the end of the month, a whole 10 days where I get to work in the theatre, I can’t wait.

Health – I think I’m getting my housemates cold, I worry about my knees, I am much more active then I have been for maybe ever. I’m also thinking of joining a gym but just their classes section.

Family – Long distance love is tough but mostly working, Mum and I are really good. I really have to try and speak to the kids and My Aunties….

Friends – My new friends are now becoming proper friends, which is exciting. Mostly from my 2nd job. As far as home friends go, I have been chatting to some… it’s so hit and miss. Timing is hard.

Home – Love my housemates, hate when they fight. My anti conflict nature makes me a natural mediator, but I have a love/hate relationship with being caught in the middle. One of them basically asked me to move just with her, I don’t want that. We are a good balance the 3 of us, I don’t think I would want to live with just one person, even my bestest friend from home. I hopefully it was just in that moment and everything can just stay safe a solid for a little longer…

Relationships – I am seeing 2 guys. YR I have been seeing for 3 months now, It’s brilliant when he is here, as soon as he leaves I suddenly don’t know where we stand and keep considering that he doesn’t really like me… New guy is fresh and exciting, and seems to want to chat when he’s not here, which I love. He doesn’t make me feel needy or weird. I’m eager and nervous to see where that goes. I’m not ready to let go of YR yet however…

I hope you use the pillars of happiness when you’re catching up with people you care about, especially if you have limited time xx

I’m having a 500 day…

“I only eat 500 calories a day”

“I can’t even stand the thought of real butter anymore”

“Oh my god chocolate is my biggest weakness, it’s so terrible”

The word diet always makes me uncomfortable and maybe weight loss topics in general. Very rarely do you hear people talking about a healthy diet, it’s nearly always about losing weight. As a Fat person who has suffered from eating disorders and depression mixed with a bunch of self hate it’s really hard to be around. Some of it is just about the negativity, or seeing peoples lack of self perception, or the fact that everything they hate about themselves just happens to be a lot of what I am. Making eating either a ridged sad or shameful guilty thing. Being body positive and truly loving myself is a evolving process, some days I feel it, strong and confident and others I want to hide away and cry.

When I was a young teenager I used to get naked in front of my full length mirror and draw crosses over all the parts of my body that I hated, parts I wanted and often thought about cutting off.

I have done more then a couple diets in my time,  nearly every time I spiraled out of control because food for me has always been about safety. My mum used to reward me with food, that’s one of the ways she shows love, ‘Aced an exam, here’s a lasagna!’  I’m the same today, I love baking and cooking for people. I went to a food psychologist once and told her I didn’t want to give up pasta… She calmly responded that I wasn’t there to give up anything, but learn about myself and my relationship with food. She was very good at her job.

When I was a teenager the doctors made me go and see a dietitian, she tried to use the food pyramid to tell me about what I should be eating. You know the one that was created by corporations that sold bread, and pasta, because they last longer and it’s harder to make money from fresh food. This woman told me I was eating too much protein and  she didn’t encourage more fruit or veg but instead some grains like the pyramid says.  Now most people know that the whole thing was a shame, I knew then and could not believe that this women was allowed to spread this bullshit. I feel the same today, it’s been proven that 1000 calories of carbs and a 1000 calories of veg and meat do very different things to a body so why are we still pretending that calories is a universal measuring tool?

On a personal level when a group of people or even just one person is sitting in front of me telling me how much weight they need to lose or how they have really let themselves go, I just feel a bit attacked. I know I shouldn’t take it personally and really I should just feel bad that they punish themselves so much for just living. No, eating a cake is not the worst thing that’s happened this week. You are not hurting anyone with those chips so why are you so guilty. Your weight does not define your worth, your size doesn’t change who you are.

Eat what you want, when you want. Be healthy if you want, it does feel better, chocolate also makes you feel better. You are more then your size… I am more then my size. I do not want or need to diet, neither do you.

(of course you can if you want, but maybe don’t tell me all about it)

My Darling Sara

Then he’s here, and I’m the only girl in the world…Even though it’s just our little world. He sang to me tonight… He showed me “My Darling Sara” which is one of the most honest and saddest love stories I have ever heard. I nuzzled into him then, our bodies fit so well. I love being in his arms. A mixture of nervous excitement and pure peace, with a hint of fear. I could lie in that moment, just him holding me for hours on end. But it’s always over too soon, and I remember that I don’t really fit in his life. I am an optional extra, you know, when he has time. I wonder if he could tell, that I saw someone else just the day before. Does that make me a whore? It’s hard to tell, I felt some shame today, beforehand. I have been talking to this new guy (Ginger) for 3 weeks now, since my angry day, but yesterday was the first time we met. Talked for hours about everything from family to Buffy. It was odd to be with someone new, I have been seeing the Boy (YR) for 3 months now, wow that’s a long time. My friend called us ‘Sweet Together’ I would love nothing more then be Sweet together with him. Part of me is waiting for him, to commit, to say he can’t share me and he wants me all to himself… I think I’ll be waiting for a long time, either because he doesn’t want to give up the power card or because he doesn’t really like me, I might never know which…

Ginger is nice, and more then I expected, funny, smart, sweet…  I don’t know enough about him but I know that 5 hours went by in a flash with him. He was meant to just be a distraction but I don’t know, he might be more.

And yet I would be just his if only he’d ask…